Let’s Talk About {Oral} Sex…

22 Oct

One of the unexpected things about this blog has been the new information that has rolled our way, and one theme that keeps popping up in conversations and emails is that of oral sex. All of us sister-wives here at MMP decided to sit down and have a conversation about this, and see where it went. Remember, we are all real women, with real lives and are all LDS in one way or another. For the purposes of this post, to allow ourselves an extra degree of frankness, we’ve used colors instead of our sister-wives names- but rest assured, it’s all us.

This is an honest post about how we feel and think about oral sex, and some tips for some for our sisters who might be squeamish or otherwise afraid to give it a go. Please join in the discussion in the comments- we’d love to hear from some men as well. There are no images with this post, but after the jump, there is frank, honest discussion. Consider yourself warned.

Ms. Scarlett: Okay sisters, I want to talk about this. I’m disturbed by the amount of LDS women I personally know who have admitted to me that they will not/do not have oral sex. What gives? Why? Is this a holdover from the 1980 when there was that letter bishops had for a while? That was more than 30 years ago now–why are women our ages not going down on their husbands?

Ms. Chartreuse: It took us… um… maybe 7 years of marriage before I went down on my husband–though I don’t remember the timing exactly. It was something we both were a bit nervous about.

Ms. Fuchsia: Also, it makes a huge difference if you LIKE doing it. I do, so I don’t really have much advice for women who don’t, or don’t know if they do. I don’t understand the “ick” factor we hear from some women.

Ms. Scarlett: Good point. I don’t want to make anyone feel as though they have to do something they genuinely don’t like–and I don’t get the “ick” thing at all–but I do hear about it from friends. What I want to do is help women feel comfortable enough to try this, and then decide if they like it.

Ms. Azure: I like doing it. I think it’s easy to like if you’re with a partner you trust who doesn’t have religious guilt. I don’t know.

Ms. Fuchsia: I am convinced this is a vestige of President Kimball’s short-lived ban on oral sex. Even if nothing is ever said, even if women don’t know about this–and the younger ones don’t–there’s something in the air or water that makes them “just know” this is wrong. Although… I’d be willing to be that a lot of women are willing to do it, and even like it, but would/could never admit, even under duress, and may feel guilty about it.

[Ed: For what it’s worth, there is no longer anything in any Temple Interview or Bishop’s Handbooks about oral sex- at all. It’s now considered- rightly so- to be a personal matter]

Ms. Scarlett: So how do you get started? First, I would suggest a good reading of our “Anatomy of a Penis” post from a while back. I think for all of us at this point, oral sex is just part of our natural sex life. But it clearly is not that way for everyone.

Ms. Fuchsia: Yesterday, knowing we were going to be talking about this, I kinda paid attention to how I do it, so I could return and report.

Ms. Scarlett: I look at it as just part of the dance of sex. Sometimes it’s the main attraction, sometimes it’s foreplay, sometimes it’s a quickie. If you’re not sure if your husband wants you to, or you have never tried, two thoughts: most men want it, and if you trust him (and really, if you’re in bed with someone, trust should probably be established) feel him out–ask him. Or just trail kisses down his body and lightly kiss on and around his penis–I promise you’ll be able to tell if he’s interested. Go slowly if you’re unsure, but we willing to explore a little and see what happens.

Ms. Fuchsia: Start by taking the head in your mouth and remember to breathe through your nose.

Ms. Scarlett: Yes, remembering to breathe is important. Relax if you can. Also, it’s a blow-job, not a vacuum. Sucking is important, but so is using your hands and licking and kissing. This is the tenderest part of a man’s body–caress him, stroke him, lick him–the chances are, if you enjoy it, he will too.

Ms. Fucshia: Yes–and use your hands–all the way down to the base of his penis. Move in rhythm with your licking and sucking. The glans needs attention from tongue, lips, and even lightly, (yes) teeth.

Ms. Scarlett: Explore. Watch him, look at his face as you kiss and suck on him–you can tell what feels good while you do this. Touch his balls, cradle them gently in the hand not wrapped around his shaft, if you can. Also- wet is good. Using a lubricant with your hands can feel wonderful- makes things slippery and slide-y.

Ms. Fuschia: Change things around too. Keep hold with your hand–this doesn’t stop–but take the head out of your mouth and run your tongue around the ridge under the glans, or up the underside of the penis where the ridge and the shaft meet.

Ms. Scarlett: Don’t worry about making orgasm your end-game either–this can end that way if you want it to–and if he’s new to it, it might not take long–but this can be foreplay too…

Ms. Fuschia: Yeah, my husband doesn’t come very easily on a blow-job, and he doesn’t really care about that as much as coming inside of me.

Ms. Chartreuse: My husband asked me if he could come in my mouth, and my first unfiltered reaction was of aversion. I’m ashamed to admit that. I didn’t say anything, but it was the expression on my face, and he immediately backed off the idea, though I was willing to try. We were both so new, having a hesitant partner was a buzzkill.

Ms. Fuchsia: My husband can’t come like this, so I’ve only swallowed once.

Ms. Scarlett: A few thoughts on that…first of all, swallowing or not is a personal choice. I think it depends on how comfortable you are, and how much you are enjoying yourself. If you’re nervous about it, you can almost always tell when its about to happen, or your husband can let you know, and you can finish a variety of ways–with your mouth and swallow or spit it out, with your hands and let it go, you can climb on and let him penetrate you and finish with regular sex. There is no right or wrong way.

Ms. Chartreuse: We do it more often now, but I admit I still have a slight aversion to the idea of him coming in my mouth–he never has. I love sucking and licking, but… just the idea of taking that amount of body fluid into my mouth is something I need to get over.

Ms. Scarlett: that brings up another topic–gagging. Staying relaxed really helps with this, but I know it can be a problem for some women. Not every man wants/needs to be deep-throated, and using your hands waylays the need to have him pressed deep in your throat.

Ms. Fuchsia: To help with gagging, you must a) open and relax you throat as if you are singing and b) make sure you are sucking with your cheeks sucked in and breathing through your nose. Gagging seems to only happen when I can’t breathe.

Ms. Scarlett: This makes it all sound so complicated, but really it’s a ton of fun, and I find it a huge turn-on, to be honest. I think relaxing and being comfortable with your partner and your own body are the keys.

Ms. Chartreuse: What about anal play? We’ve never gone there, but I might be interested, but am nervous too because of the mutual hesitation.

Ms. Azure: Me too. I think he wants me to, but we’ve never talked about it. I’m not opposed, I guess, I’m just haven’t ever done it, so I’m not sure what I’m doing. Do I bring it up and ask? Thoughts?

Ms. Fuschia: The prostate is like a dude’s g-spot. You can press on it with your finger or tongue right behind his scrotum. It’s not as intense as if you put your finger in his ass and touch the prostate, but a lot of men are squeamish about that. From what I gather though, it’s a mindblowing orgasm.

Ms. Azure: I get the feeling he’d like me to and he occasionally tries to do it to me, but my nervousness makes me sort of move away and I can’t relax.

Ms. Chartreuse: Seriously, sometimes I wish we could go try things on other more experienced partners and then come back together and try them with each other.

Ms. Scarlett: I’m kind of in the same boat about experimenting-not sure, but not closed-off either. This might be something I can work on with my partner– like Ms. Fuchsia says, and he might love it. We’ll have to explore that more.

In closing, here’s an informative article and short video on how to go down on a woman- it’s a fairly clean site without anything overtly offensive- at least on this page.

Alright MMP readers. Jump in and join the conversation.

30 Responses to “Let’s Talk About {Oral} Sex…”

  1. YoungFox October 23, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    I guess I will chime in here. I know my wife is working on a comment as well. Let me just say this blog has helped my wife and I reach a new level in our bedroom play. So, thank you! From the start of our marriage oral sex has been a part, it has definitely evolved over the years and I have got better at it. I say I, because oral on me was never that big of a part of our sex life. Until my wife read the is blog, specifically the post on the penis, I could tell she was not that comfortable with it. I would get a blow job once every few months and I would never come from it. But that has all changed now and I am a very happy camper. After reading the post on the penis, she came bouncing into the bedroom and said she wanted to examine and get to know my penis better. After that we found some other material on how to give good blow jobs, and things have really changed. She actually loves doing it know, and that is the biggest turn on for me. In fact nothing gets here more wet, sorry if that is TMI, than giving me a good blow job. It is really crazy how wet she gets, we actually laugh about it. And because of this new love with my penis, I have come from oral sex, pretty dang awesome! As far as swallowing, she tried it once and gagged, so we have not gone back there, but I am happy and I honestly don’t know if it would make the experience any better. Life is great and we are extremely happy where we are at with our sex life.

  2. David October 23, 2011 at 10:34 am #

    Great article. It took a long time to get my wife to go oral. She had a mind block about taking semen in her mouth. It took a long time for me to figure out that her real issue was that she did not feel like she knew what she was doing. She didn’t want to look or feel unskilled. Once I figured that out, it was easier to coach her.

    Granted her mouth still gets tired within minutes. But she is at least willing to do it now.

    Any advice for the wife with the tired mouth? I do tell her to take breaks and use her hands more. But she still has issues w/ it.

    PS, I do not have a huge member either. I know that is not the problem.

  3. Fanny A October 23, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    YoungFox, thanks for the feedback. Glad to know we helped in some small way, and I look forward to hearing from your wife, as well.

    David, I think feeling self-conscious is a huge issue for a lot of people- men and women. We want to please our partners, but we don’t know what to do. Communication is they key. I’m glad you worked on that with your wife. As far as a tired mouth, using her hands will help a lot- it’s not all about sucking. Using hands isn’t taking a break- it’s just part of giving a good blowjob.

  4. YoungFoxwife October 23, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    As my husband mentioned above I was not alway comfortable with giving a blow job. It wasn’t the act of doing, it it was his member that weirded me out. I didn’t understand it and it was such an odd body part to me. I had never seen a penis before, his was the only one that I had ever seen. Learning about what makes up the penis and exploring it was a big thing that turned it around for me. Also, and this may not be for every girl but we (my husband and I) checked out a website called The Penis museum (I think). It is just a bunch of pictures of penis’, they are just simple crotch shots but I actually learned a lot and realized how beautiful my husbands penis actually was. I know that may sound weird, but that was one of the major things for me is I sort of thought it was ugly, NOT anymore! I am now to the point that in the heat of the moment I want to feel it in my mouth and won’t be satisfied if that isn’t a part of sexual play.
    I also have found that when I am not really in the mood and my husband is giving him a blow job actually makes me crazy for sex. It really gets my head in the game so to speak.

    @David, you may want to suggest her loosening her lips and suck more, also try scooting to the edge of the bed and have her kneel. I know that having your body comfortable makes doing the work easier on your mouth. Hope that helps 🙂

  5. Eliza R. October 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    fanny, thank you for this post! I’m looking forward to seeing the responses. I know I sure would have appreciated this sort of information a while back.

  6. KaralynZ October 23, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    I don’t recall ever feeling particularly worried about the not knowing what I was doing. (Again I’ll bring up the “Why do Mormons worry about this when the norm is abstinence until marriage?” point.) Even my husband who had several previous sexual partners told me none of them ever wanted to go down on him. Thus I, as someone who was curious and eager to try oral sex figured I ranked head and shoulders above whatever they were giving regardless of not knowing what I was doing. All part of learning about and exploring sex together as far as I’m concerned.

    Seriously though, and maybe this should go on the previous post about the penis but a penis is… it’s not some scary “thing.” It’s a part of your husband and of his body. Love him. Love all of him. Don’t treat it like some alien prosthesis. Let him know you love all of his body because it’s HIM. Touch it lovingly and watch him and see how he reacts, just the way you would if you were kissing and stroking any other part of his body. Acting hesitant or disgusted by that part of his body is going to hurt his feelings just as if your husband was reluctant to touch you somewhere you liked. Let’s get personal for a moment- I have a rather sensitive erogenous zone under my arms. What if my husband said “I’m sorry I know it feels good when I touch you there, but I think armpits are just disgusting not to mention unhygienic so I’m not going anywhere near there.”

    Men get fed enough neuroses about their body and their penis without getting it at home too.

  7. yes please October 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm #

    oral sex. yes. very much yes.

    As far as the swallowing thing goes – I love going down on my husband, but the idea of letting him come in my mouth really grosses me out. I used to just pull away and jerk him off while he came. But what I do sometimes now, which he really likes, is just move his tip out of my mouth, and suck on/lick his shaft while he’s coming (while my hand is still gripping and moving). So he still gets the sensation of my mouth, and I don’t get the icky explosion in my mouth.

    I’m glad you’re talking about this. What I don’t understand is my female friends who never receive oral sex–especially those friends of mine who have husbands that want to go down on them, but they are too grossed out/freaked out to let it happen. I cry for these friends sometimes.

  8. yes please October 23, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

    Also, I was a little squeamish about going down on my husband at first because, let’s face it, crotches are gross. What helped me was by starting in the shower. Having just seen his junk all washed in soap made it a lot easier for me to put it in my mouth. Then I was able to move on to “just got out of the shower” oral sex, and so on.

  9. handle with care October 23, 2011 at 4:12 pm #

    Oral has always felt pretty natural to me,just part of loving my man,and it can be a useful way of bringing his erection on,but he has always wanted to cut to the chase ultimately and come inside.Not complaining,just interesting that not all men love it as much as we are led to believe.Cunnilingus though is essential-I’m not sure how that can be an optional extra and it grieves me too that there are women out there who’s lovers don’t feel able to explore this.The link is great,but any thoughts on encouraging one’s lover to go down?

  10. Fanny A October 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

    Men get fed enough neuroses about their body and their penis without getting it at home too.

    Amen. We know women get this, but we sometimes forget men do, too.

  11. Whitney October 23, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    I would love to see an analogous post on cunnilingus! Especially with all the details about technique. From what I’ve heard, some men really enjoy giving it, some men not so much, some women need it in order to climax, and some women have difficulty enjoying it because of the lies society tells them about vulvas being gross or whatever. I think these would be really good things to discuss.

    As for enjoying giving oral sex, I find that it’s more fun to give it if I am simultaneously receiving it.

  12. Eliza R. October 23, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    ditto ditto ditto to a corresponding post about cunnilingus ❤

    (I have a partner who is a bit less enthusiastic about reciprocating by going down on me)

  13. Sualah October 23, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

    My partner loves getting oral sex and I want to do it and make him feel good. But like David’s wife, I don’t feel like I’m very good at it and the fact that I’m so unskilled really makes it difficult for me.

    I know that realistically, there’s no way I should just magically know what to do, and I also know that I certainly won’t get better if I never do it, but it’s just really hard for me. He’s really great about giving good feedback and coaching, but (paradoxically, and unfairly, I realize), that he keeps giving me so much makes me feel like I’m not getting any better and why does he even want me to try? (Obviously, he wants me to try because he likes it, bad as I may be.)

    I don’t want it to, but I know my lack of confidence here doesn’t help things in the bedroom. I’m trying very hard to get over it, but it’s not easy.

  14. A.f.t. October 24, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    I’m a guy, and I’ve been married for seven years. I really enjoy giving oral sex to my wife -I’ll totally chime in re cunnilingus- but she doesn’t like reciprocating (i.e. ten or twelve to one). She says it’s because of the taste, but I’m not insistent about coming in her mouth. We tried buying flavored condoms, etc. but it didn’t seem to matter. In addition, if I ask or suggest she reciprocate while going down on her, she almost definitely won’t do it, and if I don’t ask, it doesn’t come up. Sex has been a difficult area for us; we both have some pretty big issues around it.

  15. Celeste October 24, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    FWIW, it seems as though the prohibition on oral sex continues. The Mormon Stories podcast FaceBook group had a big long discussion about it here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/mormonstories/permalink/284261318252014/. Also, someone has compiled a list of GA statements against it here: http://www.i4m.com/think/sexuality/mormon_oral_sex.htm

    Not that I agree with that at all. I don’t think the Church (or her GA’s) have *any* place in the bedroom. Just wanted to throw that out there.

    Personally speaking – oral sex is great! I’m a believer in “Tis better to give, than receive”, but either way it’s a win 🙂 I am really good at giving, though my TMJ makes for a sore jaw after a while, so lots of breaks and hand-y work are necessary. My only hang up is the smell of my husbands (or, historically, *any*) ejaculate. It has always just made me hurk. So, no swallowing for me 😦 And usually a fast run to the bathroom for post-coital clean-up….

    My favourite quote ever about oral sex is from Sex and the City….”They don’t call it a JOB for nothin’!” Ah, gotta love Samantha 😉

  16. KaralynZ October 24, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    That listing of GA quotes really drives me up a wall but I can’t come up with a response that isn’t ridiculously immature or downright crude

    Everything the GA’s say is not automatically doctrine.

  17. Just Me October 24, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    @Celeste: For those of us who don’t want to join the Mormon Stories group on Facebook, could you give us a summary of the discussion?

  18. Moriah Jovan October 24, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    Very timely and (probably) very necessary post. Thanks, Sister Wives!

  19. Celeste October 25, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    @Just Me – the Mormon Stories Podcast FB group is populated by fairly liberal, forward-thinking Mormons (and some exMo’s, with the occasional uber-conservative TBM thrown in for good measure and crazy-making.) Pretty basic conversation. Someone linked to the GA page that I also threw up. Lots of folks commenting on reading those statements when they were members (and current members adding their thoughts). A guy stated that he thought this (http://www.i4m.com/think/sexuality/mormon_sex.htm) was also important to consider.

    Natasha says:
    Why don’t they ever talk about the evil of men getting off over and over again for years while their women don’t even know what an orgasm is? Why don’t they ever talk about how awful it is when a woman is going unsatisfied for years and how that’s not what the Lord wants? BECAUSE THEY DON’T EFFING CARE. (Celeste says…HECK YES!)

    Lots of snark (some gentle, some not so nice). Someone suggests that perhaps if the GA’s ever actually HAD a blowjob, then they might change their tune.

    Anyway, I thought it was an interesting back and forth between folks. 🙂

    Cheers!

  20. KaralynZ October 25, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    Celeste, those quotes are… eye opening to say the least. The older the quotes are the best.

    The elders teaching the Leviticus rules about women being “unpure” for longer following the birth of a daughter vs a son…. wow. Also incest! Polyandry! Decapitation!

    How did we come from such interesting opinions to being the most boring sexual prudes around?

    Also mormon medical books recommended sex only once a month and then the prophets complained about masturbation? “Girls who marry outsiders are not worthy of the Sacrament.” “Married people who indulge their passions for any other purpose than to beget children, really committed adultery.” Well, some attitudes I guess will never change…

  21. Fanny A October 25, 2011 at 7:03 pm #

    Thanks for that link, Celeste. Wow. Crazy stuff.

  22. prudence October 27, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    My husband and I recently read a pair of books called “She comes first” and “He comes next.” The second one provided a lot of good information for women when it comes to pleasuring a man orally. I feel like I give pretty bjs but this helped me a lot.

  23. Zero November 2, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    There us a problem with saying that the “Kimball letter” was 30 years ago and was very short-lived. Once a woman has accepted the fact that President Kimball, a prophet, said that oral sex is wrong, then the fact that Bishops are told not to ask about it has nothing to do with whether it’s right or wrong. To quote my wife, “A prophet said it’s wrong, so it’s wrong! He would never have sent the letter if the letter was in error. The problem is that the members of the Church were too weak to abide his counsel.”

  24. Zero November 2, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    ** Correction: There is, not there us **

  25. Kelly November 2, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    Zero,

    Your logic is good if the premise is that what a prophet states is church doctrine for all time. But I have come to believe that a prophet speaks mainly to his time, and is unavoidably influenced by the norms and attitudes of his time. But if oral sex is an important moral issue, would it not be addressed in the Church handbook of instructions as such. As a fairly recent bishop, I did not see anything about it, and I know a member of Stake Presidency who was not even aware of the 1982 letter. In short, if this were an important issue I think we would hear about it as often as food storage, and we don’t. Let’s be glad that the church can adjust over time and move on.

  26. Zero November 3, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    Kelly,
    The Church may adjust and move on, but some members don’t. My wife believes that anything ever said by any prophet is doctrine and that to suggest otherwise is to be on the road to apostasy.

  27. Eliza R. November 3, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    Zero…. wow…. *that* can lead to some pretty problematic cognitive dissonance.

  28. anna November 3, 2011 at 11:05 am #

    so like i’m wondering, like in the natasha quote, what about the ladies? does ‘pure’ and ‘natural’ sex act only consist of vaginal penetration e.g. what gets men off? because ladies are trickier and require more, like hands and mouths. but that’s unnatural?

  29. handle with care November 3, 2011 at 4:27 pm #

    So I hear,Anna.I’ve heard of women who have only ever had sex with garments on-I guess someone thought that was natural.That’s why sites like this have so very much value in helping us undo the traditions of our fathers.We’re working together in our marriage to make the tradition that our children inherit the ability to engage in joyous unfettered sexual adventure with the love of their lives when the time is appropriate.

  30. Gwen January 6, 2012 at 12:11 am #

    I’ve heard the latest is that “The First Presidency stays out of the bedroom, but that both partners should be comfortable in whatever is being engaged in” which I understood was overriding President Kimball’s previous statement.
    I think that a sexual relationship needs a lot of flexibility and selflessness and learning. Oral sex or even just oral foreplay is just another thing to add to repertoire, but I also get the pacing. No guy should demand it of his wife just like she shouldn’t of him. Also, in the research I’ve read lately a lot of women find oral sex more arousing and satisfying than vaginal penetration. Do what works and don’t do what doesn’t feel comfortable.
    Great post!

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