Doing it Daily

10 Oct

There was an interesting conversation on another thread here, about having daily sex. While I like frequent sex, I had never really considered making something a goal, myself.  Gavin was the one who shared a link about Charla Muller’s gift to her husband on his 4oth birthday:  To have sex with him every day for a year!!

A few excerpts:

“…disappointingly for Charla, the mother of two young children, even Brad thought the idea was a bit, well, unrealistic. She had been expecting whoops of delight and much punching of the ceiling when she told him of his gift. Instead, she got sheer bafflement.   Then, to my horror, he declined the whole thing, saying that he didn’t want me to feel that I had to have sex with him – like it was some sort of duty,’ says Charla. ‘He actually walked away from me, saying we would discuss it later. I was quite deflated….  She eventually convinced the skeptical Brad that her offer was bona fide, and in July 2006 they embarked on what she would eventually dub the Dance Of The Daily Deed….”

“…Charla is the most unlikely sex guru. Church-going and cookie-baking, she exudes wholesomeness. Physically, she admits to being ‘sturdily built’ and is on the wrong side of 40. I’m hardly a sex kitten,’ she says. ‘But then, how many people are? That is the point….”

“…We did have to sit down with the wall planner going: “Well, we have that PTA meeting on Wednesday and you are away for business on Thursday, so we’ll have to have sex on Monday evening and Tuesday morning. Brad was appalled at first. His view of sex was that it had to be spontaneous and of the moment.  I always thought that was rubbish. How can it be spontaneous in the middle of family life? So we had to compromise a bit. As it went on, I scheduled it, but tried not to make him aware of how much I was scheduling it…”

“The sex itself wasn’t a disaster and didn’t become jaded because of the frequency.  Far from it,’ says Charla. ‘Because we were having sex so often, it actually took the pressure off, which was really liberating.'”

“My self-confidence was greatly improved, too. I’d always been one of those women who told herself she would want sex more if she just lost 10lb and felt a bit more sexy. Now, I realize feeling sexy isn’t about being thin or gorgeous. My husband desired me as I was – it was just a case of accepting that….”

Anyhow, I am curious. I know at least a few of you have tried this, how is it going? Meanwhile, what is your take on the frequency of sex. Daily is obviously not everyone’s norm… what works for you? How have your own sexual routines settled (ie, do you have “that night of the week” or what?)

I encourage any of you who have MORE to say on the subject to please submit a guest post to mormonmissionaryposition@gmail.com

meanwhile… yah. another Flight of the Concords music video. How Can I resist?

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18 Responses to “Doing it Daily”

  1. Gavin October 11, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    We’re too busy having sex to write.

  2. Zookie October 11, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    That’s funny, Gavin!
    So far, so good for us. I should say so HOT for us. 🙂

  3. KaralynZ October 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    It sounds great in theory, but I don’t think it is going to work for every couple. If my husband and I had work schedules that lined up better we might give it a try for a month. And maybe we’ll get to in the future. I’d definitely want to get an honest opinion out of him first about it. Though he’s only in his mid 30’s, his (necessary) medications make it difficult for him to reach orgasm. The times we have tried to have daily sex have ended up being a bit frustrating for him at times because no matter what we do he just can’t come that frequently.

    I would be up for it if it was something he genuinely wanted, but I would hate for him to feel like it was upping the pressure on him to “perform”.

    I will admit to being annoyed by Gavin’s blithe “Well I’m nearly 50 and it doesn’t even take 3 hours to recharge,” comment due to my own personal situation.

  4. UtahMark October 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    I don’t think Gavin’s comment was meant to be flippant or prideful. He was just responding to an earlier poster who had said that she thought men took 3 days to “recharge”. While I’m sure there are some men who do take 3 days, many of us don’t need nearly that long. Like so many other things sexual, I’m sure there is a wide range.

    I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that as I’m getting older (I’m also in the nearly 50 club) that my “recharge time” has actually shortened rather than getting longer. I used to be jealous of my wife’s ability to have 3 or 4 orgasms in a row. I still can’t do that, but it’s not unusual for me to have 2 in half an hour or so. I think it has to do with becoming more relaxed and more aware of my physical and mental responses.

  5. ceridwen October 11, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    wow….I’m so out of my league here. Sex isn’t even on the agenda. My husband was out of town for the last month or so and returned home on Friday. A few hours after we got home from the airport, I kissed him since he hadn’t greeted me with one. Last night he stood in line with the children as they all got their goodnight hug and kiss. I reminded him that that was the first one since Friday. He’s barely even looked at me today. We’ve been married for twelve years now, and for the last few years I’ve been happy to even hold hands. Sex itself is maybe a once or twice a year thing for the last four(ish) years. I’ve tried many things and am getting nowhere fast. I’d love to have the problems some of the other posters have shared. 😦

  6. Eliza R. October 11, 2011 at 11:05 pm #

    KaralynZ ~ it is a very real thing that some people DO have conditions that make frequent sex an impossibility. I should specify that it is my hopes that we get guest posts from a variety of POVs regarding frequency of sex between couples.

    now, on a slight tangent, since it is the male’s ability to ‘recharge’ that keeps getting brought up when frequency of sex is mentioned: Why is it only sex if the male ejaculates? It’s obvious that a lot of “sex” happens where the women does not climax. Is it still sex if the woman climaxes, but the man does not? (Seriously: lesbians have sex all the time without a male to ejaculate.)

  7. Eliza R. October 11, 2011 at 11:08 pm #

    oh… ceridwen…. ((hug!))

    ….I… I don’t know what to say to that…

    (but I do want to go smack your husband around a bit, that’s what I want to do)

    You so do not deserve that.. I am so sorry 😦
    (HUG)

  8. Fanny A October 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm #

    Yeah, Ceridwen- I’m sorry. I understand, sister. This was the state of my marriage as well, and it’s its own level of hell. It’s something very important to me now, when I even think about getting remarried.

    Good question, Eliza. I don’t think male ejaculation is necessary for something to be considered sex. Sure, it’s fun and important, but you can still have great fun and enjoy sex, without either partner necessarily climaxing every time.

  9. Fanny A October 12, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    Oh, and to the OP, I would love love love to have a partner where I could give this little exercise a try. I wouldn’t need to have orgasms constantly- but to have some sort of intimate encounter everyday? I love that idea.

  10. Gavin October 12, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Karalyn, I’m sorry that you quoted me out of context. When read as a whole, what I wrote appears to apply directly to your situation. I wrote, “I’m nearly 50 and it doesn’t even take 3 hours to recharge. I don’t think you need to worry about wearing out most healthy men.”

    Obviously, there are mental health, physical conditions, age and medication issues that can make it difficult for men to perform at their peek. I did not intend to slight others, especially those who cannot perform for those reasons.

    I am not advocating a one size fits all approach. Everyone will find where they are happiest. I have merely noted for those who are able, there are some benefits of frequency that go well beyond just having a lot of orgasms.

    My experience with my wife has been very similar to the couple in the article, and several of the quotes feel like they might have been said by us. For example, we worried about the loss of spontaneity, but we couldn’t have been more wrong. What happened was that there were more times that we just threw off the clothes and had fun, whether it was a lunch date at home, one jumped in the shower with the other unexpectedly, or we woke up a few minutes early and started the day with a smile.

    Emotionally, there is a real connection that has been growing and improving. Like the couple in the article, we find less reason to be critical. For us, frequent sex relieves some of the stress and tension in life, making it easier to be more kind and loving in our dealings with each other. The spillover effect is remarkable.

    My wife has definitely become much more comfortable with her body and with exploring what works for her, something that was awkward for her for most of our marriage. Obviously, that has led to much better quality of sex for both of us. Practice might not make perfect, but it definitely makes better.

    My wife has turned from someone who shied away from talk about sex to a huge advocate of daily sex. In a recent conversation with her sister, she told her that we were having sex almost every day, which is something she never would have discussed with her previously. My wife said that if it weren’t such taboo in the Church, she would talk to her friends about the benefits of frequent sex in strengthening our marriage.

    Again, this is not one size fits all. You may have no desire to do this, or the right time might not be now, but for those who are willing and able, I strongly urge you to put fears aside and take a leap of faith. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the numerous and varied ways in which your relationship with your spouse will improve.

  11. Zookie October 12, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

    Gavin, come over to my blog and talk about this, too!

    Ceridwen: I am sorry for your situation. And yours, too, Fanny, when you were married. Withholding sex from your partner is wrong, no matter who is doing the withholding. And terribly painful to the person being denied. There are usually different reasons for men to withhold than for women, but they need to be dealt with. A marriage that only has sex once or twice a year is not a marriage at all. Please, please go find a counselor and try to help your marriage!

    Eliza, sex certainly doesn’t always have to include the man’s climax, even if it usually does. I got some advice from a guy named Athol who has a blog called “Married Man Sex Life” and he told me that he sometimes brings his wife to orgasm and he doesn’t. That’s one of the things definitely on the table for this daily sex thing I’m trying!

  12. handle with care October 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    Ceridwen,my heart goes out to you.I spent many wretched years in your position.It has taken me a long time to begin to see that this was not really about me,but my husband’s insecurities.The pressure to be sexually active only made it worse for him.

    There’s a site called the Mormon Therapist,which discussed the need for an active sexual relationship a while ago.It was good to see my needs normalised-I had finished up feeling like it was me who was being selfish and demanding.Natasha points out there that sex is a normal part of a marriage and it’s absence need to be addressed-and that addressing it is a loving act.She even suggests as I recall that this can be a dealbreaker,whilst making some loving suggestions as to how this might be negotiated.Whilst we can never force our loved ones into our preferred behaviours,we can both facilitate change in the relationship and alter our own behaviour.

    I think the first step however is to normalise difference,of need,desire,and performance.We change most readily I think when we understand that we are loved for who we are,but that we can progress to a better self.

    Feeling an all round failure is not going to facilitate potent behaviour.

    It seems really important to get the help you need as soon as possible.Please don’t wait as long as we did,I regret the wasted years and so,now,does my husband.This has affected our children’s ability to form loving relationships,and without intervention I can see their lives following a similar path.I’m encouraging them to embrace their sexual selves and to get therapeutic help in expressing that.

    And none of us knows how long we’ll have.

  13. Zookie October 14, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    The Mormon Therapist is a really great site. Another fabulous resource is The Marriage Bed. http://site.themarriagebed.com/front-page

    There is a large forum there with lots of information and a great “Refusal” section where men AND women share their stories, successes and failures, and feelings. It’s extremely enlightening. If you’re being denied you can get great ideas and support and help, too.

    I feel it should be required reading for any spouse who is withholding sex. Too many of them just don’t see the problem. They might after reading awhile on this site.

    Check it out!

  14. Kevin Barney October 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    We do every other night. It is a schedule my wife suggested some years ago, it works well for her libido, and although my brain would like sex daily, I take some medications that physically make every other day probably more reasonable. We’re both very happy with this arrangement. Spontaneity is nice and all, but really not necessary in my view. This takes the pressures of one partner having to initiate sex off the table, which I think is a good thing.

    I’m a sexual person, and if I were ever in a position to have to remarry, I’d need to know that my partner had a pretty healthy libido, someone like Fanny. Being Mormon, I’m not exactly sure how one comes to that knowledge pre-marriage. It could be extensive, very frank discussions. But is that really going to be a substitute for actual, lived experience, I wonder? There’s a difference between talking the talk and walking the walk.

    I was an idiot 21-year old when I got married, and I lucked out with a partner with a pretty compatible libido. But I’m not at all sure I would leave that consideration to chance were I ever in the position to have to make such a huge decision again. Sexual compatibility is just too important to me.

  15. Rob October 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    Kevin – even “hands on” experience, so to speak, doesn’t make it a sure thing. Just read the marriage sites and forums to see the countless number of people in sexless marriages who said that the physical connection was there – once upon a time.

  16. Zookie October 17, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    “Being Mormon, I’m not exactly sure how one comes to that knowledge pre-marriage. It could be extensive, very frank discussions. But is that really going to be a substitute for actual, lived experience, I wonder? There’s a difference between talking the talk and walking the walk.”

    Me, too. If I was ever in the situation to remarry, I would for sure be having some very detailed discussions about sex before saying I do again. I guess I wouldn’t be able to be 100% sure, but I’d be as sure as possible that we’d be compatible in that area. This is obviously for a second marriage. A first marriage with two virgins, well, they wouldn’t really know even what to ask, I don’t think.

  17. Patty B. October 25, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    It’s been every day possible for my partner (MM) and me the last two months. And “possible” is defined by travel schedules and sickness. Pretty much any day we spend time together, we have sex. Often a lot of sex–2 or 3 times in a day is not unusual, and as much as 10 or 11 times in a day (a lazy day spent mostly in bed). And some of that sex has certainly not included an orgasm for MM; he enjoys participating as I masturbate (and the breast stimulation combined with my playing with my clit and vagina is wonderfully pleasurable) and sometimes he just doesn’t come (maybe a product of having done so multiple times earlier in the day? I don’t know enough about male anatomy to really know), though he’s had an erection and has certainly given me pleasure.

    I’m all for daily sex if it’s something that a couple can physically do. It’s led to a lot of pleasure and fun (fun has always been an aspect of my sex life, but I’ve never had this much lighthearted, simple fun as part of my sexual relationship with a partner). But as Gavin and others have pointed out, it’s also led to a lot of simple comfort with each other and emotional intimacy. And the handful of days we have spent time together but have not had sex (once or twice because of sickness, a couple of times just because) have oddly been even more sweet, too. A small reminder that the emotional intimacy is just as important as the sexual pleasure, that the simple physical connection with a person who cares for me and for whom I care can be its own beautiful thing.

  18. Zero November 3, 2011 at 9:14 am #

    I would love to try daily sex, even if it was only for a couple of weeks or a month. But my wife is not even willing to go from once a week to twice a week.

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