Guest Post: A Guy’s List

13 Jul

This is a guest-post from male reader and fan, O. Porter Rockwell.

Let me first say that I’ve taken really good notes on the posts written by the MMP Sister Wives. I’m not afraid to say that I’ve been enlightened and edified- so when Fannie answered my half joking inquiry on who was going to provide a male viewpoint I was a bit taken aback when she said “why not you?”

By way of introduction I’ll lay out my bona-fides: I’m about as Mormon as a guy can get – baptized at 8, Eagle Scout at 15, returned missionary, BYU grad, temple marriage with an undisclosed number of children.

And yes, if you really must know (and given the subject of this blog I guess you do) both my bride and I were blushing virgins on our wedding night.

I’m here, as a guest, to give sisters an uncensored look inside the average Mormon male psyche as it relates to sex. First off, I wish to dispel a common misperception: men do not think about sex all the time. This is an outright lie. Sometimes we think about food.

The reality of my life and the lives of most of the guys I know is that the daily grind often overcomes the desire and sometimes even the ability to engage in that precious marital communion we all refer to as sex. Let’s face it: domestic tranquility takes a lot of time and effort to maintain. Add to that a church calling or two and it really is miraculous that any reproduction ever happens.

So, here are some things your husband might never tell you – or maybe he has and you just haven’t listened.

I do have a habit of being blunt. All items are number one – us guys are singular in focus.

1. Quantity vs. Quality?
There is a simple answer to this complicated question. The answer is “Yes.” Far too much emphasis is put on creating the right mood, the right time, or the right place. Thus if something doesn’t work out everyone is disappointed. Is your sex life limited to Friday or Saturday night? Can you set your watch by it? Here’s a suggestion: the next time you find yourself alone with your husband, jump him. If he acts startled or asks “what are you doing?” just tell him it’s Tuesday and you want him right then and there – wherever “there” happens to be.

1. Location, location, location
I will now let you in on yet another secret of the male psyche: there will always be a small part of your husband that will be (regardless of chronological age) a horny teenage boy. This means some part of his conscious or sub-conscious mind is always (or nearly always) looking for a new place to have sex with you. If you can’t remember the last time you got busy outside your bedroom, start thinking. Pick a location. Any location. Enjoy.

1. Variety is the spice of (sex) life
Gordon B. Hinckley once said “life is to be enjoyed, not just endured”. As with any part of life, it’s easy to fall into a sexual rut. Wash, rinse, repeat might work for shampooing your hair but not necessarily as a good sex strategy. So, next time you’re in the grocery store checkout line and you see a magazine with the headline “25 ways to blow his mind!!” or “What he wants you to do tonight”, take a deep breath and toss it in the cart. If of the 25 ways you find 5 you’re willing to at least think about, then progress has been made and maybe fireworks won’t just be seen on the 4th of July.

1. Your husband didn’t pursue, woo, fall in love with, and marry Mommy.
I know I may ruffle some feathers here but it can’t be helped. I know, from long experience, just how much being a wife and mother takes out of a woman. That said, your husband needs to see you as the girl he fell for and not just the mother of his children. When I said “girl” I meant it. Take time to find her, take care of her, and show her off. Remember who you were before you became Mommy.

1. Changes
Times change. Tastes change. Bodies change. In a previous #1, I told you that part of your husband’s psyche will always be a horny teenage boy, but the fact of the matter is his physical performance won’t (likely) keep the same ability he had as a teen. This is just a fact. Guys will avoid talking or doing anything about this for far too long. If your husband is among the many who suffer – and I do mean suffer – from this, do yourselves both a favor and encourage him to get checked out.

1. The Chase.
Somewhere someone came up with this misguided notion that women chasing after men is a bad thing. Take time to let your husband know you occasionally think of him in a non-domestic, non-provider manner and want him in a purely physical way. Focus on the importance of non-verbal communication. Lose the Kevlar pajamas – you know the ones I’m talking about – the ones that make medieval chastity belts look easy in comparison. Go buy something with the express purpose of finding it tossed in a corner or hanging from the bedside lampshade in the morning. Most guys I know would give a full throated “amen” to Fanny’s “unmentionables” post.

1. Priorities
As the Music Man’s Professor Harold Hill once wisely counseled Marian (the Librarian) Peroo, “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.” We spend far too much time overcome by life’s daily events and the expectations that come with “domestic bliss”. Sisters, there will always be laundry to be done, dishes to be put away, homework to be checked, and checkbooks to be balanced. There are only 24 hours in each day and I know there is fierce competition for each and every minute. The temptation to put off intimacy until pressures diminish and the atmosphere is perfect is understandable. There is no such thing as the perfect time or place. Here’s a challenge for you: Make sex a priority even if some of those other duties – including professional or church related ones – suffer. Does your husband have PEC every Sunday? Make him late every now and then and send him there with a smile on his face he just can’t get rid of.

1. Curiosity…
Is a good thing. If you don’t know, ask. Granted, all knowledge sources are not created equal and some aren’t worth the paper or bandwidth they’re printed on. The textbook definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. In other words, don’t expect mind-blowing sex if you do it the same way and in the same place every single time. If you don’t know where to look for ideas and answers, fear not, I have it on good authority that the sister-wives here are working on a suggested reading list.

1. Don’t expect fireworks every time.
Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes it rains. Sex is more about the journey than the actual destination – whatever level that may be at. Hopefully you two will be doing this for several decades to come – not every time will be pitch perfect.

1. Have fun.
I will again reference GBH and remind you that life (and sex) are to be enjoyed. I see far too many women and men beaten down by the daily grind. I hear both sides lament the fact that their marriage relationship just isn’t what it used to be. One partner waits for the other and thus both end up losing. Both love and sex are and should be action verbs.

You can try to have a conversation about the items on my list with your husband. If he’s like most guys, he’ll nod, and most likely agree with you on some or maybe even all of them. Having said that, I remind you that your husband is a man and would much prefer – at least on this subject – a little less conversation…and a little more action.

Comment at will though if you have something you’d rather I read sooner than later email me at o.porter.rockwell@gmail.com

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23 Responses to “Guest Post: A Guy’s List”

  1. Brooke Moss July 13, 2011 at 7:10 pm #

    Excellent post, duly noted… thank you!

  2. Patty B. July 13, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    Well done, Brother Porter! I could not agree more completely with every #1 on your list. I really appreciate your contributing a man’s perspective.

  3. Kevin Barney July 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    Well done, sir! A very good (and true) list.

  4. Lucinda M. July 13, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    Brother Porter, this is a fantastic contribution to MMP. Thank you!

  5. Sylvia L. July 14, 2011 at 12:21 am #

    I like doing everything on this list. Bless you, Brother Porter!

  6. Fanny A July 14, 2011 at 9:15 am #

    Very nicely done, Brother Porter. Thank you for giving us this sincere glimpse into the male mind.

  7. Juliane July 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    Good stuff. I gotta step up my game on a few of those 😉

    I would like to add something, even though I’m not a man, ahem….I have it on good authority that one of the things that turns on a man the most, is, to see and hear his woman enjoy making love/having sex. That being said, sisters, go crazy, be loud, touch yourself, put your man’s hands where you want them, whip your head around, cuss if you feel like it!! Forget about your saggy boobs, stretchmarks, and junk in the trunk! Enjoy it as much as you can! I can’t give any guarantees, but I’m pretty sure your man, too, will go wild over seeing you lose control.

    Ahem….whew…I just made myself blush 🙂

  8. Patty B. July 14, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

    That’s certainly been my experience, Juliane. I know my partners always responded very…shall we say enthusiastically…to my enjoyment of sex. Not only is there no reason not to stifle one’s responses or to be shy about making it clear what feels good or what you want–there’s good reason to be completely transparent about those things. it only makes it more fun for everyone to be open about those things.

  9. bananas July 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    i know, as a lady, i like it a lot when my husband gets into it and i can tell he is enjoying himself. i’m sure it goes both ways.

  10. Porter July 15, 2011 at 7:17 am #

    Thank you for your kind comments, dear sisters. I wasn’t really sure how this would work out and was slightly worried it might be like Tom Cruise walking into the lionness’ den in Jerry McGuire. I appreciate the open forum and will make a return posting visit sometime when the inspiration hits me.

    Oh, and Juliane? Amen, sister. Never hesitate to, in the immortal words of the artist formerly and currenly known as Prince, go crazy!

  11. Fanny A July 15, 2011 at 7:41 am #

    And bananas, ditto. Me too. I want to know he is enjoying himself too. 😉

  12. Juliane July 15, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    I absolutely agree that it’s a huge turn on if my husband goes wild 🙂 Yes, the passion certainly needs to go both ways for best results 🙂
    I think in general though it is the women, especially church women, who hold back during sex, so I wanted to say this especially to all the ladies. Enjoy sex, and know that your partner enjoys that you’re enjoying it!

  13. Lucy W. July 15, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Hi, Juliane, and thanks for commenting!

    I think in general though it is the women, especially church women, who hold back during sex,

    Whether it is or isn’t the women, we created this blog so that we can explore WHY people hold back and all, and hopefully how to FIX IT if they are and don’t want to be. Good Mormon Syndrome need not be carried into a married couple’s bedroom.

    Enjoy sex, and know that your partner enjoys that you’re enjoying it!

    EXACTLY! We just have to figure out how to help people make that happen.

  14. Juliane July 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Lucy,

    absolutely!! I didn’t mean this to sound flippant, like, hey, just have fun with it and everything will be dandy.

    The Good Girl Syndrome, and all the mixed messages we receive about sex and body image in the church, the shame and fear, and so forth are real and are creating difficult issues in marriages. I think within the church we are taught many beautiful concepts about marriage, bodies, and sex, and also many that are unhealthy and even harmful (for women and men alike).
    So, I apologize if I sounded dismissive, that was totally not my intention.
    I think this blog is a great resource!

    Juliane

  15. YoungFox July 15, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    As a male I totally agree with all that has been said. My only problem is, really not much of a problem, that the more my wife is turned on the quicker I come. We have just recently started having my wife grab her breasts during intercourse and boy does that get me going! She has noticed how my arousal is directly tied to how turned on she is, so she has purposfully held back just so I would last longer. We often have a good laugh about it when she does something so hot I can’t handle it and come. So goes life and the adventure of sex.

  16. UtahMark July 18, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    @YoungFox, I’m with you there. The sight of a woman touching her own breasts is VERY erotic.

  17. Bah August 12, 2011 at 6:02 am #

    Bah. I wish this applied to my husband. He gets upset at me for emphasizing our physical relationship too much (because I want to have sex more than once a week) and is barely open to trying anything new, whether it be location, position, or anything else.

  18. Bah August 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    Case in point: last night I had this page open on my laptop. My husband walked by and asked what I was reading. I replied, “a mormon sex blog” and he reached over and closed my laptop. Because it makes him uncomfortable for me to EVEN READ ABOUT SEX.

  19. Moriah Jovan August 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    Bah, what did you do after he did that? (I’m only asking because that would have caused World War III in my house.)

  20. Porter August 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm #

    Bah,

    I’m sorry to hear about your dilemma. As the adage says, you can’t un-ring a bell, so maybe some of these suggestions might help. If he asks where you got the ideas, just tell him they spontaneously came to you. We won’t tell anyone.

    Best of luck!

    Porter

  21. bananas August 12, 2011 at 1:15 pm #

    wow seriously bah that sounds uh…very bossypants.

  22. KaralynZ August 12, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

    And I was going to ask how he accounted for his difference in (apparent) sex drive before and after marriage, but now I’m going to assume he refuses to have many conversations about sex with you either…

    I’m sorry you’re in such an unhappy spot.

  23. Bah August 12, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    Sigh. I asked him why he was uncomfortable with my reading a sex blog, and he said it is just shocking and wouldn’t discuss it further. So I opened my laptop again and continued reading. Someday, somehow I will get him past his inhibitions.

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