the elusive “O”

7 Jul

So, as part of my little rant the other day (btw, I am feeling much better now, thanks) I mentioned having sex but not climaxing and how frustrating that was. Actually my exact words were:

“I take that back, we had sex once but I wasn’t able to come.  Close… but not all the way.  Which is worse, imho, than none at all.”

Anon asked a very important question pertaining to that statement, and I’d LOVE the chance to discuss this.  She queried:

“…obviously we hear all the time about how great orgasms are and even the OP mentioned that sex without an orgasm is worse than no sex at all, so I was wondering is there ANY redeeming value to sex without an orgasm? Can’t it still be nice and create a closeness?…”

My good sister wife Fanny responded with this fabulous comment:

“I actually think approaching sex as a goal-oriented activity is a mistake- at least on a regular basis. It’s a journey- and an orgasm is wonderful, but you miss some of the beauty along the way if you are only focusing on “getting there”.

My own response was:

“Me and my partner frequently have sex where I do not climax and I find it extremely fulfilling: the closeness, the intimacy, the thrill of having given him pleasure, etc… also, even though I may not always “climax” per se, the act of sex is very physically pleasurable to me.”

Now, this can be complicated… because my impression is that there are a lot of women out there who are not having orgasms (See Lucy’s informative post on *that* subject) and I very much believe that your partner should have your sexual fulfillment a high priority…  But I do think that holding the Big O as the standard to which all sexual encounters must meet can leave you just feeling let down, frustrated, and a bit worn out.

I’m curious what your thoughts on the subject are?

Advertisements

57 Responses to “the elusive “O””

  1. Mouse July 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    This is a complicated question for me. Of course having a quickie can be thrilling and satisfying, and more involved sex can still be wonderful without an orgasm. I think I would probably rather have sex/intimacy/touching every day without an orgasm than orgasmic sex once in a blue moon. That touching and connection is very important to me. I also really, really enjoy giving pleasure so even just giving my husband oral sex and nothing else can be fulfilling for me.
    The problem is when this gets too lopsided. Too many encounters where I am not the focus or if I’m having even more trouble than usual reaching climax will start building resentments. I do have a pretty hard time having an orgasm in general, so even if my partner has made a huge effort it can still be frustrating. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten incredibly close and then… nothing. It has left me in tears more than a handful of times.

  2. Lucy W July 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

    I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten incredibly close and then… nothing. It has left me in tears more than a handful of times.

    That.

  3. KaralynZ July 7, 2011 at 12:55 pm #

    Hm. I have had lots of times where we were having sex and I just was NOT able to reach orgasm but it’s not a big deal when that happens. Right now I can’t think of any instances where I’ve *really* needed/wanted to but was not able to.

    I don’t want to accidentally call anyone old, but I’m going to be 30 next year and don’t know if menopause or other medical issues (like my husband and his anti-depressants!) might be a factor for others here.

    I know I had to learn how to have one. But while I have way more now than when I first got married, my desire for sex rarely manifests as a need for an actual orgasm. (Probably why I don’t masturbate much.)

  4. Lucy W July 7, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    I don’t want to accidentally call anyone old, but I’m going to be 30 next year and don’t know if menopause or other medical issues (like my husband and his anti-depressants!) might be a factor for others here.

    A woman’s sex drive generally goes up as she ages, generally peaking in her 30s and 40s, sometimes into her 50s. (Notice I said “generally” twice.)

    I have a friend whose husband is on antidepressants and is a long-dry alcoholic and is ~60+. She is 50. His sex drive is nil and hers is…not. But she figures that’s a small price to pay for a non-depressed, non-drinking, responsible husband.

  5. Lucy W July 7, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    …my desire for sex rarely manifests as a need for an actual orgasm. (Probably why I don’t masturbate much.)

    I have a weird need: Orgasm puts me to sleep and keeps me that way, dream-free (except at the tail end of my sleep cycle). I have a problem with insomnia and/or poor sleep hygiene and/or I’m plagued by nightmares, take your pick. It’s just a trick I use to help me with that.

  6. Mouse July 7, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

    I’m definitely not menopausal! I’m actually dreading the whole “sexual peak in your 40’s” thing as I’ve already been struggling with mismatched libidos. I felt really let down after I got married as society and the media had led me to believe that men want sex all the time, and it turns out that I’m the higher drive spouse. It led to a lot of feelings of rejection and pain and it took me a long time to get over and work through that.

    Also, if I don’t get enough sex/intimacy/orgasms, I get cranky. I get snappy and grumpy and all out of sorts. It isn’t pretty.

  7. Lucy W July 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

    You are not alone, Mouse.

  8. Eliza R July 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

    you’re definitely not alone, Mouse. ((HUG))

  9. KaralynZ July 7, 2011 at 2:11 pm #

    The anti-depressants don’t decrease my husband’s sex drive but they make it very, very difficult to achieve orgasm. We have male friends who have had the same issue, but I have not heard from any females on anti-depressants.

  10. Moriah Jovan July 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    I have not heard from any females on anti-depressants.

    *raises hand*

    My shrink goofed. Doubled my dose of anti-depressants, which sent me into manic mode (first–hopefully, last time in my life) and my libido went into overdrive. There were other issues. Let’s just say a good time was not had by anybody in my family (including me).

  11. Patty B July 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm #

    by way of brief introduction, I’m the newest sister wife (thank you to my lovely sister wives for inviting me to contribute here). I’m working on my first post, which should go up in the next few days, but I wanted to weigh in on the antidepressants question.

    I’ve been on antidepressants a handful of times, and consistently for the last three years. For the first few months of this three year stint, there was a lot of experimenting trying to find the correct medication; during that time all sorts of things got out of whack for my body, most notably my sleep patterns. My sex drive also took a big plunge then, but that may have had as much to do with a massive and not happy breakup combined with other emotional trauma going on in my life at the time.

    By way of background, I think I have a pretty high sex drive. I’ve never told a partner I didn’t feel like it, because I’ve never not felt like it when given the opportunity. Ideally I’d have sex daily. I think that means a relatively high sex drive for a woman (though I haven’t talked about it openly with a lot of people; being a single, sexually active Mormon with mostly Mormon friends means not talking a whole hell of a lot about my sex life with most of my friends). Being on my current antidepressant has taken some of the edge off my sex drive, meaning I can go a lot longer without needing orgasm and without masturbating. But I still want sex a lot, I still take every chance I can to have sex with my partner when I have one, and I don’t struggle with getting aroused and ready to engage in sexual activity.

    One of my partners was on an antidepressant that also made it difficult for him to come, but that just meant he had amazing staying power. Something we both enjoyed a great deal…

  12. Eliza R July 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm #

    For me, masturbation is one way of coping w/ having a higher sexual drive than my partner.

    Also how I cope w/ a frequently recurring pre-mature ejaculation issue. (It’s something we are working on. Also, him using a vibrator on me is one way of compensating for the pre-mature ejaculation.)

  13. Fanny A July 7, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    You are so not alone, Mouse.

    Patty B, welcome, sister.

    I also have a pretty high sex drive and had a husband without one. I would love to have a partner where I could have sex every day- and I’ve never turned down an offer, never not been in the mood either. The idea is foreign to me.

    I’m also in the same boat discussing sex at all- as a divorced woman now, my sexuality is supposed to be on-ice and dormant. Um… it’s not. And that’s an understatement. But there is no venue where it’s acceptable as a Latter-day Saint to talk about that, or heaven forbid, do it and acknowledge the constraints as a real difficulty.

    I am supposed to be in a state of suspended animation, until (or only if) a priesthood holder comes along to whom I can hand the keys. This really ticks me off.

  14. Enna July 7, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    “I felt really let down after I got married as society and the media had led me to believe that men want sex all the time, and it turns out that I’m the higher drive spouse.” Yes, exactly. Still having to remind myself that it’s not rejection…

    I’ve only recently become sexually active, so I’m not sure if things will always be this way, but usually I’m perfectly okay without an orgasm. Of course, I seem to orgasm really easily so it does happen a lot. I can imagine that if I was going a long time without it, that would get really really frustrating.

  15. ceridwen July 7, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

    Adding my name to Mouse’s club….it’s frustrating in and of itself….even more frustrating when my husband says “I’ll try harder” and that’s the end of the conversation.

    I would love to see more discussion on this topic.

  16. Anna July 7, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

    haha mouse this is getting to be a big club. the discrepancy between me and my husband isn’t so big that i’m terribly frustrated, but i do find myself being the spouse who requests it more. until i get mad and pout, and try to never bring it up to FORCE him to bring it up, but he’s onto me when that happens and blur blur blur.

    mostly however it’s fine :). but yes, at least in my personal experience our cultural perceptions of men’s vs. women’s sex drives are not quite on. and frankly, i’d like some of the free passes men get for their inability to control their ‘animalistic’ sex drives. amiright?

  17. Anon July 8, 2011 at 4:12 am #

    I seriously might change my handle to virginaskingquestions, because here I go again. Since one of the issues seems to be finding out if your sex drive is compatible (even knowing that it will fluctuate over time) can you have a discussion about your sex drive before you ever have sex? Because – while I think it will be fun and there’s definitely times I’m horny – I’ve still never had sex, so I don’t really KNOW what my sex drive would be like. Does that make sense? Can you have a discussion without concrete knowledge?

  18. Mouse July 8, 2011 at 5:35 am #

    Unfortunately I don’t think you can, really. You can definitely tell if you have chemistry, and lack of it is a big old masssssive warning sign – if you’re engaged to someone and don’t have any trouble keeping your hands off them you probably shouldn’t get married to them, you know? You can talk about your desire generally – how often do you feel the urge to masturbate, what are your expectations for sex, how often do you think couples have sex? How do your answers tally? Going into it knowing each other’s expectations about sex is helpful, and not something I think most engaged Mormons are encouraged to do. It is definitely not something I thought about, and maybe having that discussion would have opened my eyes a lot sooner.

    I went into marriage expecting that my husband would want to have sex all of the time! That is what men are like, right? Everything in the media said so, everything at church was all about how women are responsible for controlling the urges of men, that we’re the gatekeepers, that it is all up to us to keep those boys from getting too worked up because they can’t help it! Women are constantly being depicted as the ones who say “not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache” or using sex as a bargaining chip in really unhealthy ways, and men are depicted as being pathetically grateful for whatever sex scraps they’re thrown. This is terrible, this is damaging, this is verging into something that should go into the anger post instead of an answer to your question!

    So, yes you can discuss it, you can try to figure it out, but I think it is only something you can really find out over time and with experience. If you have a good foundation to your relationship, and it is strong in other ways, then having mismatching libidos is something you can work around. It takes communication, and it takes effort, but it can be done.

  19. Fanny A July 8, 2011 at 8:05 am #

    I’m really loving you, Mouse.

  20. Lucinda M. July 8, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Thanks to this post, I had some alone time this morning trying to find my G spot. It seems I don’t have one. I did, however, relax and allow myself to experience multiple Big Os. It’s interesting what can happen when you temporarily let go of the baggage. And there’s no one else in the house.

    That reminds me, I should introduce myself. Go here.

  21. KaralynZ July 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm #

    Lucinda – I’m pretty sure I have a G spot but it only hurts when I or the husband tries to fiddle with it. But every now and then during actual sex, he’ll hit just the right spot and WOW. Only happens when I’m on top. *shrug*

    And to “virgin asking questions” – I totally think you can. My husband and I discussed it before we got married. (Well, before we got officially engaged, in fact, but we were planning on marriage at that point.) He just straight up asked me, “after a year or so, how often do you think you’ll want to have sex?” and we discussed it from there.

  22. Fanny A July 8, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    KaralynZ- me too! I have to be on top, and it only happens every once in a while but when it does… YOWZA!!

  23. Sylvia L July 8, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

    My boyfriend found my g-spot just a few weeks ago! And this after a year of having sex with each other! I think it came from me relaxing and the position that we were trying. It was lovely. Very lovely. More lovely than I imagined it could be. Sorry. Too much? (I’m waving pom-poms!)

    In my last relationship I was alway the initiator and it got really, really tiring. My current relationship is much more equal on the initiating and that is just a lot better all around.

  24. VirginAskingQuestions July 9, 2011 at 4:03 am #

    Sylvia – in my last relationship I was always the initiator with the kissing – with the exception of the very first kiss. It IS INSANELY tiring. – And I don’t even go past kissing. I’m happy your currently in a better relationship.

    KaralynZ – how well did your expectations before marriage match up to reality? Or do you guys keep discussing sex and if your expectations have changed?

  25. KaralynZ July 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

    how well did your expectations before marriage match up to reality? Or do you guys keep discussing sex and if your expectations have changed?

    Pretty well, actually. We have (so far) turned out to be extremely compatible when it comes to sex drives and just sex in general. I’m tempted to say we’re “lucky” but I *knew* when we were engaged that we were compatible in that way. I’ve had arguments with various people over the years about whether or not it was possible to know for sure you were sexually compatible without having sex. I definitely think it is, as long as you talk about it and are honest and practical about what to expect.

    I would also definitely say our expectations have changed over the years. We would both *like* to have sex 5-6 times a week but with being parents and our work schedules they way they are it’s not really feasible; sleep wins out over sex more often than we would have guessed 9-10 years ago.

    And that’s not counting the year that I was pregnant/had given birth before my sex drive finally returned to normal. He was totally understanding about that and I made sure that I made an effort to try and ensure there was sex happening around once a week even when – from a hormonal standpoint – the idea of sex was about as exciting as the idea of scrubbing the kitchen floor.

    I think part of a good, long term, monogamous sexual relationship is striking a good balance of knowing when one person’s desire is more important than the other person’s non-interest and also knowing when the opposite is true.

  26. Fanny A July 9, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    I think part of a good, long term, monogamous sexual relationship is striking a good balance of knowing when one person’s desire is more important than the other person’s non-interest and also knowing when the opposite is true.

    Amen, sister.

  27. nat kelly July 13, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    VirginAskingQuestions, one other observation I might add to this discussion is that sex IS very different from the other types of “messing around” that you do beforehand. Like, actual intercourse. It’s different. It involves more sweatiness, more clean-up, more intensity, more physical work.

    Making out, dry-humping, fingering are all different “commitment levels” if you know what I’m saying. You can do so sneakily in the back of a car. With sex, you usually have to be willing to get all the way undressed, and then all the way redressed, with possibly a shower or wash-up in between.

    Sometimes, I totally am in the mood to mess around or be intimate, but not ready to do the full-on sex thing. And that was something I didn’t know going in, because my sex drive was pretty powerful beforehand when our options were more limited.

    Also, did anyone else have a much harder time getting turned on after marriage? I have realized that a lot of my sexual feelings were developed in an atmosphere of “this is bad and wrong and forbidden” and that really got me HOT. I mean, I’d get unbelievably riled up if my now-husband just put his hand on the upper portion of my inner thigh, on top of my jeans! When we got married and lost that “forbidden” element, my horniness really decreased. Which is sad. Cuz I really like horniness.

  28. nat kelly July 13, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    And I just realized this a rather old thread and might not still be too active, so my comment might be missed anyway. 🙂

  29. KaralynZ July 13, 2011 at 7:42 pm #

    It posts recent comments on the right side of the page, I look there a lot. 😉

    I have also run into problems with the “well if it’s not forbidden anymore it’s not sexy” issue. Like, a lot. Really annoying. Oddly, I found having a kid has helped this somewhat because we have the danger of being interrupted. Kind of weird, but there you go.

  30. bananas July 13, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

    yup, count me in on that. i thought i had this HUGE sex drive before i got married because, well, frankly i would come just ALL the time with my husband, just from making out (forget dry humping, although we got into that too). then we got married, and suddenly sex was what we were supposed to do and it was like, oh. well, all right then. we do pretty well, but there was a big difference, sadly 🙂

  31. Eliza R. July 14, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    heheh… when we got married, we went from madly making out for hours upon hour in heated sexual frustration… to going right to (now perfectly ‘legal’) sex and being done in 5 min or less. That sucked.

    (we’re better at lengthening out our play time now… but still, I sometimes miss the heat of forbidden sexual tension between us. Working to find ways to get that back.)

  32. Patty B. July 14, 2011 at 11:09 am #

    So I understand this problem of how the taboo on sexual intercourse can heighten the excitement and then the sudden legalization of sex can take away that excitement. But it hasn’t been my experience in my dating relationships that have progressed gradually along a spectrum of sexual activity. Actually having sex didn’t remove the thrill of the other, non-intercourse sexual activity we had engaged in previously. There were certainly some quickies, but a year into my last serious long term relationship, my boyfriend and I would still have those long, intense, exciting sessions. The only difference between them and our earlier sessions was that they usually (but not always) included sex rather than just making out.

    My question is whether this was a factor of the particular dynamic between me and that partner? or whether it was that our relationship was only a year old rather than several years old? or whether somehow sexual gradualism allows for maintaining some of the excitement? I don’t know. It’s probably more a mix of factors than any one explanation, I suppose.

  33. Sylvia L. July 14, 2011 at 11:46 am #

    I wonder that too Sister Patty. My longest relationship has only lasted about a year and a half and it was always at that exciting place (except for one stressful weekend where we took a “romantic” vacation and only had sex once during that time because I got annoyed about something and wasn’t in the mood. It’s the only time I can think of when I’ve not been in the mood.

    I wonder if it is because my relationships are short lived, so I’m always starting over with the sexual tension that turns into gradualism that turns into just great sex. Probably. And, we never have the stresses of real married life facing us every day, we have separate bank accounts and houses, I’m sure that factors in. Also, we never quite have the knowledge that we’re fully committed because we’re not married…so there is always that chance of a break up–which maybe affects it all too.

  34. bananas July 14, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    i bet a big part of it, for me at least, is like eliza said…now that sex is legal, we just sort of jump to that instead of spending a long time warming up. of course it does make a difference to go from ‘oh my god i think he’s going to touch my boob! he’s doing it! he’s touching my boob! he’s not supposed to but he’s doing it anyway, he wants me that much!’ to ‘ok now is the part where he touches my boob…’

  35. Eliza R. July 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    Banana~ YES. exactly.

  36. Patty B. July 14, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    Sister Sylvia I hadn’t thought about some of the factors you raised in your second paragraph–about how the daily realities of not being married may contribute to the excitement of sex in a shorter term relationship. I’m not sure what i think about that. The opposite side of that point is that there are sex studies that show that married people often have more satisfying sex lives than singles or even cohabiting couples.

    I guess I still don’t really understand the practice of jumping straight to sex once it’s legal. I mean, I do. It’s been off limits forever. So now that it’s not off limits, of course one would want to have sex. But it seems like there’s more going on there than just the “now it’s legal” thing. It seems like there must be other attitudes and ideas about sex at work here, beyond just the taboo disappearing. Though I do recognize the power of the taboo disappearing.

  37. KaralynZ July 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm #

    Well at the risk of sounding cliched, i find that while the forbidden-ness of sex goes away after many years, (except for the “oh no, kids are in the other room we shouldn’t, teehee!” which can be helpful,) the *quality* of sex has improved because I know and trust my husband completely and he knows me so well we can communicate without words when necessary. He knows what every smallest reaction means and can act accordingly. I can and have let him do things that I NEVER thought that I would and that I now love but that I honestly cannot ever see myself trusting anyone else to do.

  38. VirginAskingQuestions July 15, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    Bananas and anyone else who wants to chime in. For those of you who experimented a little with sexual gradualism before marriage – do they ask about that in your pre-marriage interviews or various other interviews with Bishops/SP and how did you answer those questions… if they did? Actually… do they do pre-wedding interviews if you’re NOT getting married in the Temple? I know some churches won’t perform wedding ceremonies unless you take pre-marriage counseling sessions either with them or a professional counselor. Like… I’ve always wondered what would happen if you’re being interviewed separately from your soon to be spouse and they ask you if you’re chaste (or whatever they ask… I don’t really know) and one of you says yes and one of you says… well, we’ve done a little petting. What would they do? So curious.

  39. UtahMark July 15, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    Virgin, different priesthood leaders respond differently depending on their experiences and outlooks, the training they’ve received, and the way they perceive the spiritual promptings they receive. I think you’ll most likely find that if you’re not getting married in the temple they won’t ask much about what you’ve been doing with your fiance, although they will likely counsel you on the virtue of being faithful to your spouse after marriage. Those who ARE getting married in the temple are likely to be asked in much more detail whether they have kept the law of chastity, and if not, in what ways they have broken it. Depending on the seriousness of the transgressions, how recently they’ve occurred, and whether or not either of the participants have previously been to the temple or hold the Melchizedek priesthood, this could result in anything from just some counsel to withholding a temple recommend for a while to a church disciplinary council.

  40. Gorihor July 22, 2011 at 9:12 am #

    As for bringing that Taboo feeling back, here is a taste of a few things that I have found still work after being married for nearly a dozen years.

    Bring back that feeling of hiding out in her room making out while her family is around the house by fooling around while she is on the phone with them. See how far you can get without the person on the other end of the line catching on.

    Who says car sex is only for singles? Besides finding a quiet parking garage while you are out on date night, get on it while the car is on the move. Fellatio whilst behind the wheel is a great rush (just watch out for trucks – or not 😉 ). Even while driving with the kids in the backseat, one hand on the wheel allows me one hand to reach into the lap on the passenger seat.

    Forget about intercourse. Not every encounter needs to end with penetrative sex. Make like MIA Maids and see if both of you can get there at the same time without either of you getting out of your underwear. You may have given up on grinding once you received your ‘dear tags’ but you will likely be surprised at the effort required and satisfaction gained by a romp of levi-lovin.

  41. mfranti July 22, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    Make like MIA Maids

    excuse me.

    surely that’s a typo.

  42. KaralynZ July 22, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    There were plenty girls in my Mia maids class who were getting that kind of action but I wasn’t one of ’em.

  43. Moriah Jovan July 22, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    I was in Mia Maids when a Laurel got pregnant. Then her sister, who was in my class, did, too.

    I suspect there was a bunch of stuff going on I didn’t know about.

  44. KaralynZ July 22, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    Yeah, I was Giselle without a Knox around to be my boyfriend.

    I like to think my life turned out better than theirs but who knows in the end

  45. RoamingRedhead July 22, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

    Oh my gosh I seriously think I might cry! I thought I was the only one who had problems getting turned after marriage and all of the forbidden feelings were gone! I thought maybe I was just “over” sex. I try to get my husband to do some of the things Gorihor suggested, but he’s never been interested.

    I LOVE this blog and have been telling all my girlfriends, sisters, and even some of the sister missionaries about to go home to their boyfriends about this site! There truly is not enough honest, frank dialogue about sex in Mormon culture. Thank you!

  46. KaralynZ July 22, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    That sounded kind of pitiful. I always get maudlin when I think about being a teenager. I hate to be the one who derails a thread onto a different topic.

    So… orgasms, right?

    Who else had to learn to build up a tolerance for having more than one? Used to be I couldn’t take more than two in a row or I’d feel like something in my brain would explode in a *bad* way. Now most of the time I can get through a half dozen or more before I feel like I’m going to pass out.

  47. Gorihor July 22, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    @mfranti – No typo, but a weak attempt at playful alliteration (‘Bust it like a Blazer’ or ‘do it like a deacon’ just didn’t seem to measure up 😉 – and Laurels, Teachers, Priests and Beehives left me stymied).

    @Karalyn -An interesting question. Do you think improvement comes from increased physical endurance, a more open mindset or something else?

  48. KaralynZ July 22, 2011 at 4:18 pm #

    I think a little from column A and a little from column B. A good orgasm takes a lot out of you physically and mentally there was definitely a learning curve for me of figuring out how to have one in the first place.

  49. bananas July 22, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

    virgin – sorry this response is so late. i have been offline for a while. but re: sexual gradualism and getting to the temple, well, i did feel bad about what we were doing (to be specific, making out and grinding, mostly, we kept our hands to ourselves except for once or twice but the grinding was enough for me to come, although my partner had more self-control and only finished once!). so i went to the bishop and told him, vaguely and without detail, that i was worried about how chaste we were being. he asked us if we’d had sex (and implied that oral sex was included in that) and i said no. he said to quit everything else and we would be fine. so we quit everything else and got married in the temple.

    i really liked that bishop. i’m sure others might have more or less discretion on the topic.

  50. Moriah Jovan July 22, 2011 at 9:14 pm #

    @KaralynZ

    Yeah, I was Giselle without a Knox around to be my boyfriend.

    You and me both, sister. You and me both.

    But let’s just say I wouldn’t have made it to 36, like she did.

  51. Eliza R. July 23, 2011 at 1:10 am #

    RoamingRedHead, thank you for that comment 🙂

  52. handle with care August 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    Late to the party-in every possible way,but here goes.Thirty years without O here.

    Since my darling was less interested in sex than I,he really got to call the shots,and I was scared to humiliate him.Also,I really didn’t know how to make it happen.Still don’t.I filled the frustration with trying to enjoy what we have had-which has been better than nothing I think,and workable as I always enjoyed sex,but was always obviously left wanting more.The danger was always the thought that it might be different with someone else,and since we have made eternal covenants,I didn’t want to go down that road.This has really affected our family,and I can see it being repeated in the next generation.I think that observation has played some part in my simply losing patience,and booking us in with a sex therapist.We’re starting soon.He seems OK with the idea at the moment,not sure if I am though.Terrified at the prospect of being required to masturbate in order to progress things,as it’s had about as much effect as tickling myself-even more frustrating.

    What if this never happens for me?I’m aware that my body is now becoming less responsive,so time is running out.To anyone out there in a similar situation,I say act now.You both deserve better.

  53. Celeste August 15, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    I’ve never, ever been able to cum from vaginal intercourse. Not for lack of tryin’, either 😉 My vibrator and a snuggly husband make for a happy girl! I have no shame about not being able to “get there”, and heartily embrace dirty movies, books, toys and all sorts of accoutrement.

  54. Megan August 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm #

    Celeste, I have a hard time climaxing from intercourse alone, too. There has to be clitoral stimulation from fingers or vibrator. I’ve dabbled with dirty movies but struggle with guilt for that. I don’t know any female friends of mine, most of whom are LDS, that use erotica in any form. Please don’t feel any pressure to respond, but I’m curious if you’re Mormon and if you’ve struggled with any guilt or doubts about the “dirty movies.”

  55. Celeste August 15, 2011 at 7:07 pm #

    Hey Megan!

    I am Mormon, albeit a very BAD one (in the eyes of the Church). I was baptized twice (first time at 13, 2nd time at….25, I think it was. It’s a looong story). And heck yes I have dealt with guilt and all that, especially in the early days as I was discovering my sexuality. I’m queer (mostly on the straight-ish side of the spectrum), hate monogamy and have a wicked kinky streak. Needless to say, I frequently feel uncomfortable and straight-up unwelcome at Church.

    As Popeye says, “I Yam What I Yam”. I love the Church, but I don’t know how to be true to myself *and* be a Mormon simultaneously, and I am not willing to compromise myself. I’ve been there before, and it led me down some damn dark roads.

    Anyway….did that answer your question….I kind of rambled. Sorry for that!

  56. Luks September 5, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    not getting an “O” just means you are not satisfied or your partner can’t satisfy you or do not know how to satisfy you or you just don’t want to do it the brain gives the command

  57. Celeste September 5, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    @Luks…..Wha? Surely you jest…..

    Many, many women have difficulty achieving orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. It does not necessarily mean that one is “unsatisfied”.

    *shakes head*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: