Lingerie: Yes You Should!

1 Jul

I just got finished cleaning out and organizing my lingerie drawer. Well, actually, I have three drawers of lingerie- one for my bras, one for undies/garters and one for babydolls/stockings. Plus, I have a drawer for my garments- which in no way qualify as lingerie, but are worn daily nonetheless. While I freely admit I have a thing for lingerie- I know not everyone is so comfortable. As LDS women, we have something of a complicated relationship with our undies- if we’ve been through the temple, our regular undergarments are religious garments and imbued with meaning. We wear them, no pun intended, religiously. 

During Relief Society not too long ago a lesson was given on keeping things sacred and sweet in the bedroom (I kid you not). Like most talk about sex in church, it was all euphemisms, but lingerie was specifically mentioned. A sister spoke about attending a bridal shower and being mortified at what she called the “disgusting and unholy” things the young, blushing bride was given by friends. (I can only imagine what this sister would think of my drawers…)  I looked around the room at the 60 other sisters, and saw many of them were nodding emphatically with this sister’s words. I bit my tongue and bounced my crossed leg a little harder. It wasn’t the time or the place to again be the squeaky wheel…

But maybe now is…

I would like to suggest, as respectfully and gently as I can- that it’s perfectly fine to take off our garments- to don something pretty, racy, risque or even downright naughty- to seduce our husbands. Garments are important to us- but we put the cart before the horse if we forget to be a lover to our partner, and instead allow ourselves to be complacent and to believe that “modesty” has a place in the bedroom with our spouses. Behind your closed bedroom door is where you can explore, play and learn about the power of being a sexual woman. Embracing our bodies, enjoying what they can and were meant to do, and using that sensuality with our spouses is part of the joy of being an embodied spirit.

If you’re just dipping your toe into the idea for the first time and are uncomfortable with a lingerie store, places like Target and JC Penny have a nice selection of pretty bras and panties, satin nighties and even stockings. Look for something that makes you feel pretty or even sexy. Buy a bra that is impractical and not white or skin-toned. Trade out your nylons for some thigh-high stockings. When you get home, or after the kids are in bed, take a warm bath, pamper yourself, and slip into your new pretty things. Treat yourself like a woman, and enjoy it. Then share yourself with the one you love.

You don’t need to have three drawers of Victoria’s secrets like I do- but if all you have are your whites, it’s way past time for you to go meet Vicky and surprise the heck out of your husband. I promise- promise you– it will be worth it.

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40 Responses to “Lingerie: Yes You Should!”

  1. Whitney July 2, 2011 at 12:09 am #

    Oh, how I wish I had been in that RS lesson with you! I also just finished organizing a new drawer completely devoted to lingerie.

    Let me say something about lingerie: I have been overweight basically my whole life, and apparently about half of women feel they’re “too fat” to have sex.
    ( http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1365461/Sex-no-half-women-feeling-fat.html ) But lingerie helps me feel sexy. It helps me get in the mood. I love my garments, but they don’t exactly facilitate my feeling sexy or sexual. From the comments I’ve read on the bloggernacle, more than a few marriages could benefit from the wife feeling more sexy. No, thong underwear isn’t for everyone, but it’s not because it’s not “sacred” or because we need to promote modesty in the bedroom.

    Btw, where can I buy the stuff in the picture? 🙂

  2. Anon July 2, 2011 at 4:56 am #

    Every single bridal shower I’ve been to has included a gift of lingerie. Sometimes even from the groom to be – and no one has looked at it with disapproval. Usually there is laughter and a bright red bride, but for the most part everyone jokes about it and thinks it’s normal. Was there a commonality among all the head nodders? Were they all older? particularly conservative? anything besides being Mormon women? Also two other things… what did the unmarried ladies in your ward think about this lesson? Why were they even giving a lesson on this in the first place? Is this a yearly lesson? This is what happens when you get put into the primary a week after you turn 18. I have NO idea what actually happens in RS on a regular basis.

  3. Moriah Jovan July 2, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    My last bridal shower (for an LDS girl), I wrapped up some hawt lingerie from VS with an effective budgeting/financial planning software program. The women loved both, but were only shocked at me having put them together, until they thought about it. Because those are the two things in marriage most guaranteed to send it down the toilet if you can’t get it together.

    I don’t know where this squeamishness about lingerie comes from. I’ve never seen it displayed.

  4. mfranti July 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    Whitney, there’s lots and lots of cute stuff for fuller figures. Trust me, I’ve done the research.

    Here’s a google search in pictures to get a feel for what’s out there: http://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1GGGE_enUS360US360&q=plus+size+lingerie&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi&biw=1280&bih=705

    Have fun!

  5. Fanny A July 2, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    I’m no waif, and I never have trouble finding lingerie for fuller figures. There are lots of options out there- even at discounters like Ross and TJMax.

    As far as the lesson, it was a four-pronged lesson and one of the prongs was about keeping things sacred in the bedroom. It was bothersome on many levels. The nodders were a cross section of the room, but I live in a very conservative area. I have no idea what the other single sisters thought- I know it bugged, but I’m divorced and therefore have already failed at marriage. 😉

  6. Moriah Jovan July 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    I have a feeling that my definition of “sacred sex” is a tad different from what your RS lesson was talking about. Hello, Beltane.

  7. Fanny A July 2, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

    Yeah, mine too, Moriah.

    Do y’all think this post is unnecessary? Was my experience an anomaly? Based on the emails we get, and other things I’ve read, there are a lot of LDS women out there who are not comfortable with getting into something skimpy. Is our sample skewed?

  8. Anon July 2, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    I don’t know if your sample is skewed. I lived with my grandma for a while and she’d freak out about the dresses for the oscars and swimsuits and she even once complained about the underwear ads in the newspaper – and nothing was particularly skimpy either. But… she is in her late 80s – so I get it when she freaks out. But I say its good you posted it, you’ll never know exactly how many people who read it who’ll change their minds, or think – i’m not the only one! I’m still not exactly clear on how they would teach “keeping things sacred in the bedroom” particularly since they probably only used euphemisms to have this ‘discussion’.

  9. Moriah Jovan July 2, 2011 at 4:11 pm #

    @Fanny A

    It may be I simply don’t pay attention and MY experience is skewed. (Which would be damned depressing, now that I think about it.)

  10. nat kelly July 2, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    Man, my husband is totally not into the lingerie. He’s pretty much just about the naked part. 🙂 If I try to get it on, he usually just says, “uh-huh, nice, can I take it off now?”

    It’s not as fun if you only get to do it for yourself.

  11. E July 3, 2011 at 6:59 pm #

    I’m a single, endowed woman, and I have sexy underwear. Colored bras and matching panties and thongs… And I have no one to wear it for except my very own sellf. I don’t always wear it, but when I do, I LOVE it (and I do wear it under my garments, although I’m more comfy with the bra on top. But I digress.). I love having that little secret, and I feel like…a real woman, I guess. I feel in touch with my sexual nature, without actually having sex.

  12. Fanny A July 3, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    E, me too. Since I’m divorced now, this is one way I can stay in touch with my sexuality and feel beautiful and feminine. I do it for me.

  13. Anon July 4, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    Can I ask, as a person without garments, do you really need to wear them under your bra? I would think that it would be uncomfortable – since a garment top is like an undershirt (cotton ones abound in my family) wouldn’t it end up bunching?

  14. Fanny A July 4, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Anon- It used to be advised that you wear your garments closest to your skin. That is no longer the case. I think many women still wear their bra-over because it tends to hold everything in place and actually _keep_ it from bunching, believe it or not. I don’t care for the cotton ones as they cause friction with my clothing, and which layer they are depends on the outfit I am wearing.

    So basically- it’s personal choice and preference.

  15. Randi July 4, 2011 at 11:50 am #

    Fanny,

    No post about lingerie is ever unnecessary. 😉

  16. Lucy W July 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    I will admit that the idea of wearing nice lingerie for me is a rather foreign one. This has been a rather thought-provoking post.

  17. Anon July 4, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    Thanks for the input FannyA!

  18. Sylvia L. July 5, 2011 at 12:04 am #

    The first day I got dressed after getting endowed I cried because I felt I looked like my mother (granted I was trying to put pantyhose on over my g’s and it looked just like my mom’s legs ever sunday morning as she got ready for church). I decided then and there that with sex I needed to feel sexy. Even without sex, I sometimes needed to feel sexy, and I just didn’t in the garments. I think God’s ok with that.

  19. Amelia July 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm #

    I have some friends who just find lingerie impractical and therefore a waste of money. I guess I understand that perspective, but I’ve always taken the same attitude towards lingerie that I take towards all clothing–while it’s true that clothing has some basic functionality and is therefore a practical concern, it can also affect how I feel and therefore how I behave. If wearing something sexy or naughty or silky can enhance how I feel and behave, why not enjoy that?

  20. Tracy M July 5, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

    I was totally going to write a post on lingerie for Dandelion, but I think I’ll just link to this instead.

  21. Mouse July 6, 2011 at 1:30 am #

    Because of wearing garments all of the time I find you get more bang for your buck with lingerie. Just wearing a pretty bra and panty set has the same amount of impact as something racier and more expensive! My husband is also not the most patient and removes everything straight away, but I wear lingerie for myself really.

  22. mfranti July 6, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    Mouse,

    It’s like wrapping paper, isn’t it?

  23. Fanny A July 6, 2011 at 11:38 am #

    Ehem… there is something to be said for impatience and I wouldn’t mind at all if things get torn. Though I suppose that’s another discussion entirely… 😉

  24. Foxy mom July 14, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    There is nothing like changing out of your garments and into some sexy lingerie then getting redressed and surprising your husband. They get so used to seeing you in garments that it you get quite the reaction from them when the notice 🙂

  25. Patty B. July 14, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    Foxy Mom, one of the nice things about that is that even simple cotton panties and tank tops get a good response after your partner is used to seeing you in garments.

  26. Emiline August 15, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    *sigh* I’d love to have some skimpy, sexy undies, but my husband won’t allow it. He insists that we only do the deed in our garments for the purposes of procreation. We’ve been married 8 years, and I’ve never once seen him naked.

  27. mfranti August 15, 2011 at 5:25 pm #

    emiline,

    you two need to have a grown up talk. STAT.

  28. KaralynZ August 15, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

    I was thinking she’d better tell us all about his good qualities, stat, because that would be grounds for divorce for me.

  29. Bah August 15, 2011 at 6:32 pm #

    Emiline,

    And I thought I had it rough because my husband isn’t comfortable with lingerie or sex toys. But sheesh, we see each other naked every single day. Good grief. I don’t know how you stand it. No matter how good his other good qualities are, this is a huge issue. His stance is not in line with church doctrine, either.

  30. Moriah Jovan August 15, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    Emiline, Bah is right. He’s not following the church’s counsel on this issue. And also, you’re NOT SUPPOSED to have sex in your garments. Wasn’t he paying attention?

    So other than your *sigh*, how distraught/angry are you on this issue, on a scale of 1 to 10? I’d hate to give advice if it’s not that big a deal to you.

  31. Emiline August 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

    Thanks for the replies, everyone! Yes, I’ve spoken about it to him several times, but he won’t listen. I’ve tried to get our bishop involved, but he (the bishop) refuses to get into this, saying it’s not the church’s place to counsel married couples in the bedroom. I’ve tried to tell him that I don’t believe this is the church’s policy, but he says I’m supposed to submit to him, because he’s responsible for presiding in our home. I did try to surprise him once by going out and buying a sexy outfit, but he literally closed his eyes and refused to look at me until I went back into the bathroom and changed. He accused me of tempting him like Potiphar’s wife (sp?). I told him, “I’m your wife! Not someone else’s!” I honestly don’t know what to do.

  32. Emiline August 16, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

    Also, divorce is simply not an option for me. We have six children and are currently expecting #7. I married him right out of high school and have no marketable skills. I have no idea how to manage without him. Also, he can be charming in his own way. He’s a great father and a solid role model to our sons, and he’s great to be around when we’re not in the bedroom.

  33. Patty B. August 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

    Emiline, does this situation hurt you? leave you unsatisfied with your sexual relationship and your marriage more generally? If so, have you explained those things to your husband? If not, I think it might be a good idea to explain to him that while you respect his commitment to doing what he perceives of as right, you don’t think that his interpretation is the only one and that it has hurt you. Ask if he won’t consider entering counseling to explore the problem and find solutions to it. If you live in a place with a big enough Mormon population, you could specifically suggest an LDS marriage and family therapist so that he feels comfortable knowing that any therapist you see is familiar with the church and its teachings.

    As much as I don’t particularly love Wendy Watson’s advice about sex and intimate relationships in marriage, perhaps she has something that could help with the initial problem of believing that the only righteous purpose for sex is procreation and that nudity is strictly forbidden. There must be other recognizably “good Mormon” authors and therapists whose advice might help get him over the initial hump of his conviction that any sex other than procreative sex and all nudity is off limits based on the church’s teachings.

    On that notion that his word goes because he presides, I’m afraid I’m helpless. I just can’t even get into a headspace in which I know how to take such an assertion seriously enough to help someone get over it.

    I’m sorry this has been so hard for you.

  34. Lucy W. August 16, 2011 at 4:54 pm #

    Emiline, please refer your husband here:

    http://deseretbook.com/They-Were-Not-Ashamed-Strengthening-Marriage-Through-Sexual-Fulfillment-Laura-M-Brotherson/i/4917595

    so that he can see this book is published by Deseret Book.

    Also, buy it and read it. Perhaps…leave it lying around.

  35. Patty B. August 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    Here’s a bio of Brotherson (the author of the book Sister Lucy recommended). It establishes her Mormon bona fides and gives a link to her website if you want to explore that resource, too.

  36. VirginAskingQuestions August 17, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    REALLY quick… on finding a marriage counselor. I think that is a WONDERFUL idea. I also think that you should meet said counselor on your own first before bringing in DH. Remember that you can shop around for a counselor that’s right for you. I say this because I had a family member have a HORRIBLE experience with a counselor and now she won’t try counseling at all. (She was going through divorce and wanted someone to talk to who would not blame her or anything. So, she was explaining her feelings to the horrible person, and the person interrupted and said, I’m having a hard time with this case, because in my religion we don’t believe in divorce, and I really think you could have tried harder in your marriage. My sister asked, what religion? And the lady said LDS, my sister stood up and said, me too and left and wouldn’t try to find a new counselor after that. Even though she needed someone to talk to – and she felt she couldn’t talk to family about everything). SO, I would recommend that if you decide to go the counseling route, to go first and find someone that you click with that’s NOT a judgmental jerk who should have her license revoked – since there are a LOT of GREAT counselors out there… so… yeah – find someone you’re comfortable with and don’t be discouraged if it’s not the first one. Ooh – does LDS services have any sex therapists specifically, or just general marriage counselors?

  37. Fanny A August 17, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    …said, I’m having a hard time with this case, because in my religion we don’t believe in divorce, and I really think you could have tried harder in your marriage.

    That counsellor could have their license revoked. There are standards and ethics for psychiatrists and therapists just as there are for medical doctors.

  38. amelia August 17, 2011 at 11:43 am #

    Absolutely agree with VAQ about shopping around for a counselor. I spent a year seeing seven different doctors before I found one that really, really worked for me. A couple of those seven were just totally off for me, saying things that I knew would cause me pain and not help. A few were not bad and probably would have been a good fit for others, but left me feeling a little like I was just treading water. But the doctor I finally found is just amazing and I’m so sad that I’ve had to move away from him.

    The only caveat is that you need to find a counselor that will work for both you and your husband, so keep that in mind as you look around.

  39. VirginAskingQuestions August 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    Fanny – I agree completely. I tried to get my sister to officially complain, but she didn’t. At the time, her confidence was at an all time low, and I think she thought no one (except for family… and I might be the only family she told) would believe her. I mean, it’s ONE thing for a therapist to refer a patient onto someone else if they think that they won’t be able to meet their patient’s needs, but to come out and just be a judgmental bitch, that takes a supreme case of arrogance and self righteousness.

    Amelia – I’m happy you found one you liked, and am sad that you have to move away. Although I don’t have a therapist, there is a dentist and his various dental hygienists that I was SO sad to move away from, so I think I can understand a SMALL part of your sadness. I mean, it’s definitely not the same thing AT ALL, but I think that when you form a bond with a health care professional sometimes it can be hard to switch to a new one.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. stressed out and sexless. (Yes, I’m pouting) « Missionary Position - July 6, 2011

    […] maybe get something sexy to wear to bed. It’s been a while since I’ve done that.  (I wear that stuff  just for […]

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