masturbation and sex toys.

21 Jun

Yep, this one is about masturbation. and sex toys too.

Are you familiar with Danielle Corsetto‘s webcomic Girls With Slingshots?  You really should check it out. 🙂 Here’s episodes 37 and 38, where Jamie helps Hazel get her first vibrator:

Jamie takes Hazel to the Adult Toy store.

What are best friends for, if not to initiate one to sex toys. It was probably about 5 yrs ago my friend dragged me to Fascinations to buy my first vibrator. I got something nice and tame looking (so as not to intimidate DH) in a soft silicone shell (so DH can use it on me. I have a hard-shell vibrator too, but that one works best when I’m in control.)

——

Hm… lessee, how old was I when I discovered masturbation? Most likely, as a very young child. But it wasn’t until my teens I started having to deal with actual sexual desires and feelings… and the ensuing guilt.

——

Can I just say how wrong it is to require women to confess about masturbating to an adult male, alone,  behind closed doors?

——

Anyhow.. So when I finally got engaged and went in for the temple interviews, and SP asked about *that* and I admitted “yes, er.. well, I do that, sometimes…” and he quickly responded “Well, marriage is the cure for that.

Idiot.

So, it turns out that marriage is NOT in the “cure” for masturbation. And I was still dealing with all this guilt and shame, not to mention that I had bought into the mindset laid out in this essay advising christian women to avoid masturbation as it leads to “emptiness”, that it might damage my ability to connect with my spouse.  Therefore every time some disagreement or conflict would crop up, up every time that sex was less than stellar (HELLO, two virgins trying to figure out sex for the first time, THAT happened quite a bit)  I’d be all shameful and guilty and “oh, it’s all my fault, because I MASTURBATE” but of course I wasn’t telling my husband that because of the SHAME of it all.

So, it turns out that in marriage, sometimes disagreements and conflicts happen even if no one is masturbating.  Turns out that sex will be less than stellar sometimes even if no one is masturbating.  Turns out masturbating is actually good for your health! Turns out, masturbation can help improve parter sex.  Turns out it is MUCH funner to talk about masturbation with your sexual partner than behind closed doors with your ecclesiastic leader. (update, a commentator asked about bringing it up with DH etc, and I responded here)

——

Oh, and sex toys are fun.  This reminds me, I have store credit at Fascinations, need to go use that.

——

So what about you? How does masturbation fit into your world view and into your relationships, etc? (Curious to hear from both married and single folks.)

(feel free to comment anonymously, we respect that here.)

Advertisements

48 Responses to “masturbation and sex toys.”

  1. Anon June 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    So… how did you go from feeling shame to feeling perfectly okay with it? Was it really just that trip with your friend? Was it that you were talking with friends first, is that what changed your mindset? Or was it talking with your DH? Or did you just go one day – you know what this is natural and refused to feel ashamed of it – how did that process work for you? How did you initiate this conversation with your DH? (Or did he initiate it?) Obviously if any of this is too personal feel free to skip the questions. Thanks for your thoughts.

    p.s. I’ve only ever gotten recommends for Baptisms for the dead (and it’s been a while) – and my Bishop basically asked for my thoughts on the Law of Chastity and when I mumbled something about how I try not to fixate on stuff and I try to keep my thoughts pure even though I’m not always entirely successful he looked relieved and mumbled something back about how trying is good and to keep it up and moved along quickly to other questions.

    I don’t think it’s particularly appropriate to be asked that question – but I’m also pretty certain that the Bishops probably feel uncomfortable about ASKING the question. – which in some ways makes it better than if they’re completely okay with it. Is that just me?

  2. saschaillyvichauthor June 21, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    I fail to see a problem with masturbation. I don’t hold a traditional world viewpoint either. I tend to consider masturbation a form of Goddess Worship but I’ll leave it at that…

    Sometimes it helps with writing, mostly to burn off pent up energy or engage fantasy. Not only is it good for the psyche, but it reminds me I AM very vain…heh.

    Good article. Though if you want to confess to me behind closed doors…I AM the bad boy of romance 😉

  3. audreybt June 21, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    I am single, and I think masturbation has been an essential part of my sexual development. I’m dating the man I’m going to marry, and while he was not a virgin coming into our relationship, I was. (I’m still active LDS, and he is returning to the church after a long absence. We would both like to marry in the temple, and are working hard to abstain from sex from this point forward so we can meet this goal). He is my first sexual partner, and he said, after our first time having sex, that he had never met a virgin who was more prepared for sex than I was. I already knew what an orgasm felt like, and the things he could do to help get me there. I knew my body, and that is part of the reason that my first partnered sexual experience was so positive. If more Mormon women would masturbate and take care of their own sexual needs, I can’t help but think that much of the sexual dysfunction that comes from two virgins colliding (as the article in Sunstone puts it) wouldn’t be such an issue in Mormon marriages.

  4. Anonymous June 21, 2011 at 2:02 pm #

    From the male perspective, I’m against masturbation, including within marriage. For males, masturbation dilutes sexual energy, especially as you get older and need several days as a refractory period between ejaculations. And for males, a masturbation habit often either precedes or results from looking at pornography.

    For men, I think masturbation is always selfish and unnecessary, a sign of poor discipline, something to be grown out of by the end of the teens, or sooner if possible. If a male has any degree of same-sex attraction, masturbation will often bring that out more. After all, handling one’s own male equipment creates a logical link to thinking about other males’ equipment. I have heard of males who never struggled with homosexual inclinations except when they allowed themselves to indulge in masturbation; in other words, when they weren’t caught in a masturbation habit, it was natural for their affections to naturally flow to females. (I’m not saying this is true for all so-called “gay” people, especially those who have a stronger emotional component to their gayness than physical, but I tend to think that people who self-identify as gay have usually indulged themselves in a lot of gay fantasizing and masturbating, whereas if they would have resisted such self-indulgence, the gay tendencies would not have taken over their identity. And if they’re looking at gay porn–well, then it’s pretty much all over for them, as far as resisting the temptation to self-identify as gay.)

    For women, however, I can think of times when masturbation might be a good thing to do, even within marriage. The case I’m thinking of is a woman who has not learned how to climax. She might need to learn how on her own first, then teach her husband. (I remember reading a book that suggested women with sexual dissatisfaction try “warming themselves up” alone for a half-hour prior to sex.) In such a case, though, the ideal would be for her to grow out out of it sooner than later, because any time either spouse gets in the habit of meeting his or her own sexual needs, that’s very dangerous for a marriage.

  5. Eliza R June 21, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    thanks everyone for your comments!

    I’d like to specifically reply to anon no.1 up at the top who asked:

    “…How did you go from feeling shame to feeling perfectly okay with it? Was it really just that trip with your friend? Was it that you were talking with friends first, is that what changed your mindset? Or was it talking with your DH? Or did you just go one day – you know what this is natural and refused to feel ashamed of it – how did that process work for you? How did you initiate this conversation with your DH?..”

    Thank you for the question! Bottom line answer: it was a *process!* Even after that first outing w/ my friend to buy the vibrator, it took me a while to get up the courage to actually approach DH with it and ask “doyouthinkitmightbeokaytoplayaroundwithittoghether” <>. It required being able to first discuss these sort of things in the safety of friends who were okay discussing them… who were open about sexuality. I was raised in a fairly ridged tradition where sexuality was NOT discussed openly. I was lucky enough to find a safe community to talk about it.

    And while found my husband was open and eager to discuss it as well, some shyness had to be dealt with initially, it was a process of small gentile conversations and introductions to new ideas. It took both of us being vulnerable and being willing to learn a few new tricks together.

    It wasn’t overnight, and it is still an ongoing process as we negotiate each other’s sexuality and sexual needs/desires.

    (Oh, and as for changing my mindset about masturbation in general, that specifically was a process of learning to take a some stuff with a bit of salt. Basically, to give myself permission to wonder if maybe God just might be okay with masturbation, which would have been an unthinkable notion to me growing up.)

  6. Anon June 21, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

    Masturbation has been a great tool in my marriage because it has allowed both of us to balance our sex drives. For me I can get myself ready and willing since I take forever to get excited, and for him it’s gives us an option to explore and have fun without necessarily having intercourse– when I’m done and not interested in continuing he just moves to the bathroom and finished himself.

    Before I would often give into his advances just because I know he was excited, and I’ve learned that consenting to have sex when you are totally disengaged in your mind and heart does not help your relationship– it can actually be quite hurtful. So I feel masturbation has actually brought us closer together.

    I do think it can be a problem in marriage if masturbation is replacing rather than supplementing your sex life.

  7. mfranti June 21, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    So, it turns out that in marriage, sometimes disagreements and conflicts happen even if no one is masturbating. Turns out that sex will be less than stellar sometimes even if no one is masturbating.

    snort

    Ms. Eliza, I like your style. You’re always so fun to read.

  8. fuzzyoctopus June 21, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    To the anon who thinks that a spouse meeting sexual needs alone is “dangerous” – I’d loooove to hear how amazing your sex life is with this advice.

    I want to say more but that previous commenter has made it obvious that not only open minded people are reading this blog so I’m going to go back to Fetlife for open discussion and continue to lurk on here because I don’t feel safe expressing my honest opinions in front of men who think like that.

  9. liberalmormongal June 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm #

    What an incredibly well-timed post. My bf asked me point-blank this past Sunday if I masturbated and I responded with a confident yes. It was liberating. But it wasn’t always that way.

    As an active young woman in the church I remember dealing with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame as I engaged in masturbation, which started shortly after I read “Madame Bovary” for my high school English class. At the time, I never had the courage to talk about it with anyone but my very closest girlfriend. And even then, she was also dealing with the shame of her own behavior, so neither of us really got very far. As I continued to struggle with finding the “cure” for my problem I ended up confessing to my Bishop. He, well-meaning I’m sure, handed me a pamphlet entitled “To Young Men Only,” and said that it would still apply to me. Ha. Talk about adding another layer of confusion.

    During most of college I tried to repress my desires and dealt with the mental berating every time I “slipped”. Fast-forward to my late twenties, still single, I decided it was time to resurrect the idea of dealing with my own sexuality by investigating the option of my own battery operated boyfriend. After taking a look at the one adult toy store in Sugarhouse and an hour of deliberation later I simply could NOT go through with the purchase. It was like a mental/guilt block. (Perhaps the outcome would have been different had I had the encouraging support of a girlfriend or other like-minded individuals to hash my feelings out with.)

    Now, in my early thirties, a temple recommend holder, and still single, I’ve finally come around to the idea that I, as a woman, am a sexual being. Like audreybt, I am also dating the man that I hope to eventually marry (he is not a virgin) and I’ve grown to crave sexual intimacy. In fact I’m fairly certain I’m at my peak. Masturbation has been a process of discovery for me and just last month I purchased my very first hard-shell vibrator. Understanding how my body responds to certain stimulants isn’t shameful, it is empowering.

  10. Eliza R June 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm #

    dear mrs mfranti, always a pleasure ma’am 🙂

    Fuzzyoctopus (etc) thank you for commenting here 🙂 We appreciate both talkers and lurkers, and hope to make this blog a safe place for a wide range of people to share ideas and experiences.

  11. Fanny A June 21, 2011 at 5:30 pm #

    To the second anonymous, with the green icon:

    I do object to your referring to people as “so-called gays”. Please refrain from doing that- people have the right to claim whatever identity they chose for themselves, and putting “so-called” in front of anything is dismissive and condescending.

    That said, I will now tackle the body of your comment:

    While it may be true that the refractory period lengthens in males as they age, there is also evidence to suggest that masturbation is healthy and good for ones general well being. If you bring masturbation into a couples context, where both parters stimulate themselves and each other, I cannot see a downside.

    The idea that masturbation is tied somehow to homosexuality is absurd and has been substantially debunked by reputable science. Masturbation is a healthy way to learn about ones own body- what works, what doesn’t, what feels good, what doesn’t. Watching your partner please him/herself can be incredibly erotic, and a great way to learn about what they like that you might not have thought about.

    If a woman needs extra time to warm herself up to sex, this would be a good opportunity for her husband to learn something about her body by watching. Chances are, he’s going to be surprisingly turned on by watching her, and it will lead to great sex. This is not something she needs to grow out of. There is not right or wrong or proper way to have sex.

  12. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    fuzzyoctopus, this is why we allow anonymous posting, so that you don’t have to lurk. Ultimately, we created this website to address attitudes like anonymous2:02’s. Since that has been the prevailing attitude (although I find it interesting he makes an exception for women) in the church, we’re trying to pull some of these issues out into the light and hopefully make it so people don’t feel so alone, to provide a place to talk.

    I understand your frustration, but I hope you’ll post in the future and not just lurk.

  13. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    @anonymous2:02

    This is not snark nor a way to trick/trap you into anything: You give women a pass on masturbation and I see your point. My question is, why don’t you think men might have the same emotional/educational needs?

  14. Eliza R June 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

    thank you sister fanny! (I was just trying to word a response myself)

    the other thing I wanted to address that second anonymous, with the green icon mentioned about male masturbation, this idea here: “For men, I think masturbation is always selfish and unnecessary, a sign of poor discipline”… while there may be times where that is true, it is an inaccurate blanket statement.

    Betty Dodson, sex therapist, recently wrote about how, for men, masturbation can be a powerful tool to learning to be a better sexual partner. While she concedes that two minute quickies can lead to training oneself to come too quickly, she goes on to note:

    “…Men who want to make partnersex last longer make an effort to learn how to delay ejaculation by training themselves to sustain higher levels of arousal through the practice of masturbation…Conscious masturbation will allow you to get more familiar with your entire arousal process….”

    Her comments there are specifically directed to men who are desiring to better pleasure their partners, wanting to learn self control, and to be a generous lover.

    Just something to think about.

  15. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 5:52 pm #

    When I was 13 or something, on family vacation, at a motel in the middle of the prairie, in the pool alone as the sun was setting, I accidentally discovered that the stair rail post felt kinda really good right there. And since it did, it must be bad and anyway, I couldn’t very well duplicate it without a pool, could I? (Laugh. I was so dumb. I really thought that.)

    I didn’t figure all that out until I was 20. Somehow I missed all the talks and (most of) the guilt. So I consider myself lucky, even if I was a bit slow on the uptake.

  16. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    @saschaillyvichauthor

    Thanks for coming by! We actually do believe in a Heavenly Mother, though we don’t talk about her much. I like the idea of sexuality being part of goddess worship.

  17. Eliza R June 21, 2011 at 6:07 pm #

    (I should note, after my last comment… I support masturbation for a variety of reasons, including those 2 minute quickies for sexual release 🙂 )

  18. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    Also, @fuzzyoctopus, we’ll eventually get around to discussing kinks and fetishes.

  19. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    2 minute quickies

    I am in awe. My shortest is 4. But have you ever done it fully clothed in the middle of a crowd of people without touching yourself?

  20. Fanny A June 21, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    Yes.

  21. Lola June 21, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    The first time I did it was in my teens, and was almost by accident when I was using the shower head to rinse of and discovered that “wow, THAT feel interesting” when it hit me. After starting to do it for a couple of months I started to feel guilty and told my mom. She took me to the bishop who really made me feel crappy and unnatural for doing something I really felt I’d stumbled upon naturally. I didn’t touch myself again until I was married for a couple of years.

    I’m convinced that moment was what really screwed up my sex like with my husband. Both of us were virgins and got extremely frustrated with each other about sex. We wouldn’t talk about it and by the second year I was just pulling him on top of me to get it over as soon as possible.

    Then one day when I was going through the routine he stopped me and said “show me what feels good, because I know what we’re doing isn’t working for both of us”. First all of those memories of my mom and the bishop came back and I jumped out of bed and told him I didn’t want to do anything that was wrong. He said he didn’t want that either, and he would only try something that I was comfortable with, but he wasn’t willing to just let me get him off anymore.

    I’ll be forever thankful to him for doing that. The next time we got in bed I grabbed his hand and showed him what felt good. From there we visited a sex shop for some peach-flavored lubrication and I got up the nerve to tell him other things to try. Then after I told him the showerhead story he surprised me with my first vibrator, and we figured out how to incorporate it into our sex life.

    I haven’t reached a point that I’ve masturbated by myself again though (other than a few times trying phone sex) I don’t know if that experience as a teen just screwed me up too much, or if my desire has just changed. I just don’t get in the mood anymore, I grab my husband if I want to do it. I guess that could change, and I have no problem with masturbation, but I just don’t need it outside of my sex life anymore.

  22. Lola June 21, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    Wait a minute, fully clothed without touching yourself? This I have to hear more about.

  23. Lucy W June 21, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    *sigh* Oh, Lola.

    On the upside, you are figuring it out, together with an equally invested partner. How wonderful!

    Wait a minute, fully clothed without touching yourself? This I have to hear more about.

    Clue: Your biggest, most powerful sex organ is your brain. 😉

    *grumble although clearly next to Sister Fanny and Sister Eliza, I’m a piker grumble*

  24. AnonymousForNow June 21, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

    When I was 11, my best friend at the time introduced me to mutual masturbation. I made the connection between that pleasure and how good it felt to climb up poles (a la the stair rail post). I sorta knew that what my friend and I were doing was not okay somehow, but I had never heard the word “masturbation” and had no idea it was considered a sin. I don’t know when I finally absorbed that info, but by the time I was 16 or 17 (and still masturbating) I had started feeling a certain amount of guilt and stopped masturbating quite so much. Except when I was asleep, I’d masturbate and wake up touching myself and then feel guilty again. I even tried sleeping with socks on my hands to keep me from touching myself. I look back at that now and laugh. For a long time I think the fact that I had started masturbating with someone else (and someone of the same sex!) compounded the guilt I felt about masturbating at all.

    By the time I was 22 or 23 or so, I realized that what my friend and I had done was not a sin. It was just two girls facing puberty figuring out their bodies. Somehow letting go of that guilt allowed me to let go of the guilt about masturbation, too. And I started proactively exploring what gave me pleasure. I still remember the first time I gave myself an orgasm I felt in my toes. I just don’t understand how making oneself feel that good could possibly be a sin. I get practicing moderation and not over-indulging, blah blah blah. But those are principles that apply to everything, not just things sexual.

    I have to say that as a single woman who was committed to abstinence for most of my adult life, I’m awfully glad I got over my masturbation guilt early on. It has been good in terms of finding sexual release when I needed it. And, more importantly, it has helped prepare me for healthy sexual relationships with men, once I made the decision not to continue adhering to the idea that being chaste = absolute abstinence.

    All of that said, i often wish I had better resources for finding good sex toys, advice about how to enhance my explorations (both solo and with a partner when I have one), etc. So do share your advice. I’d love to find a better vibrator than I have, among other things.

  25. AnonymousForNow June 21, 2011 at 10:31 pm #

    and you know that coming-without-touching-yourself thing? Yeah. Pretty damn amazing, whether alone or with a partner (who is also not performing any sexual touch). The brain is an enormously important part of sexual pleasure for me. But so are other senses–smell is especially important for me. And I know kissing counts as sexual touch, but there’s something pretty mind-blowing about coming when doing nothing but kissing….

  26. mfranti June 21, 2011 at 10:56 pm #

    it works and it travels well

    http://store.blueboutique.com/prod_info.php?a=blueboutique&pnum=CNVELD-SE0495-27

    And for the serious players: http://www.eroscillator.com/

  27. Jacque June 21, 2011 at 11:56 pm #

    I recommend the Eroscillator. Seriously recommend.

    http://www.eroscillator.com/

  28. mfranti June 22, 2011 at 12:11 am #

    Jacque, I beat you to it.

  29. ~Christopher June 22, 2011 at 5:22 am #

    Can I say, with reference to Green Anon, that I am so tired of the attitude that male sexuality and male sexual response only requires a few good thrusts and that men are ready to go at any time? I’m a man in my early 20s and I have trouble orgasming quite often, I (often more than my wife) need lots of foreplay in order to have an orgasm during sex. Masturbation (with and without my partner) are crucial to sexual satisfaction in my life–not an issue of poor self control. Male sexuality is no more simple than female sexuality.

  30. Eliza R June 22, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    Christopher, *thank* you! so much, for this comment.

    “Male sexuality is no more simple than female sexuality.”

  31. Fanny A June 22, 2011 at 7:55 am #

    Yes, Christopher- a truism that needed emphatic stating. Thank you.

  32. Jacque June 22, 2011 at 8:21 am #

    So you did mfranti. Which can only mean we are both amazing.

  33. ohkj June 23, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

    I started masturbating in high school. I wasn’t a member then, and I was dating a good Catholic boy who didn’t want to have sex, so we did everything but. It was mostly mutual masturbation, and I think it did a huge service to both of us — we both knew what we liked and what worked.

    Several years later, in my 20s I joined the church and didn’t have the guts to ask to young men in dark suits with name tags, my very same age, if masturbation was included in the Law of Chastity. So I asked my friend who introduced me to the church if it was a violation of the LoC, and she adamantly told me YES! and I was shamed into not masturbating for a while.

    But the thing is, I think once you know what feels good, you can’t help it. So every two years, when I walk into the Bishops office, and then the Stake President’s office to renew my temple recommend, I fervently pray that they won’t ask me specifically if I masturbate. I do answer “yes” to the Law of Chastity question, because as I interpret it, I am not violating the Law. I feel ashamed, but clearly not enough to really try to rectify the “problem.”

    I don’t plan on stopping any time soon. I’m a single gal, climbing the 20’s ladder and find that this is the only connection to my body I’m getting. The most troubling part about being single to me isn’t having little old biddies tell me that “I’ll be next” at every wedding I attend — it’s the fact that if I didn’t masturbate every now and then, I would live a sexless existence. And while I’m not fulfilling the measure of my creation by masturbating, I think I am fulfilling the measure of my femininity, with or without help.

  34. Eliza R June 23, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    ohkj… *thank* you!

    especially for this:

    “I am fulfilling the measure of my femininity, with or without help.”

    (love that)

  35. KaralynZ June 23, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

    I do masturbate but I very rarely masturbate to orgasm; not quite sure why this is. Perhaps it’s that it’s a lot of work and the orgasms I have by myself are not (to me) as satisfying as the ones I have with my husband’s help. Perhaps it’s just something specific to me that I rarely feel the need to
    But I’ll be the first to admit it could be something in my subconscious from my background. I was raised LDS my whole life; and I did masturbate some as a teen, just experimenting what felt good etc. I actually broke my own hymen when I was 16 and I think I was a bit scared and ashamed of that fact. (That might be a comment for another post!) My husband gave me my first orgasms, so I don’t know if being scared off from exploring more when I was a teen had an effect on my feelings about quality of orgasms alone vs. partnered or if I just never had a chance or need to learn since I got married. We have a great sex life and are currently in a good phase of it (getting back into the swing of things this last year after the post-baby sex drive death.) I’m not sure I care to poke at my own issues further at this point except from the standpoint of making sure my kids know it’s normal and ok.

    And just to clarify the husband and I each masturbate, on occasion. (When we have the energy. Or time. We’re in the “OMG toddlers are exhausting” phase of life.) My husband says that on nights when I’ve passed out in the two year old’s bed and he’s left alone that when he pleasures himself he thinks of me, and I have no reason to doubt him.

  36. thetokenmormon June 26, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

    What a refreshing blog post! It’s wonderful to hear that other LDS women have drawn the same conclusion I have with regards to masturbation. I’m single, and the older I get, the more women I see who are depressed or so desperate to get married that it becomes their all-consuming character trait. Giving myself the permission and freedom to explore and embrace my own sexuality has not only alleviated personal stress for not being married, it’s opened up my perspective to fully embrace all of the things that make my life awesome. And if I ever do find a guy to add to the mix, I trust that he will appreciate the fact that I’m as mature sexually as I am with other aspects of my life. It’s all about the balance.

  37. YoungFox July 13, 2011 at 4:22 pm #

    Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I am looking at getting the WeVibe for the night. We have never used any sort if toy in our marriage but have talked about it for sometime now. I thought this would be good time to start. Or maybe it would be best to try it before hand because it would take some getting used to and might make the night a little awkward. Any thoughts, on either when to use it or the WeVibe it’s self would be appreciated.

  38. Eliza R. July 13, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    youngfox… wow, just checked out the We-Vibe… I got to get me one of those! (I don’t have any experience w/ it, curious to hear how it goes for you, or to get feedback from others)
    (and congrats on the anniversary!)

  39. Kat July 13, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

    Anyone who shames others about masturbating has issues they need to deal with. they are dumping their personal trauma on you so dump it back.

    LOVE THIS SITE!!!!!

  40. just a note August 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    Great blog! I just found it and just showed my wife. I would like to respond to Green Anonymous. I have masturbated, starting in early teens to present- except while I was on my mission. It is very irritating when porn use is linked or given as the reason us males masturbate. Let me tell you why I do it- It feels good. No porn involved. Wife and I both do it together and alone. As a male in his early 40’s, I find it helps our marriage relationship by keeping things working and helps with libido which my wife appreciates! Just the opposite of what you espouse. It’s funny how even us guys who say we shouldn’t masturbate can find reasoning for women to do it. I think that is kind of sexist. Like women are broken and need to do it- they would never just do it because it felt good, only men can give them real pleasure. I would propose we just like the thought of them doing it so we make it ok for them but somehow close ourselves off to the same pleasures and benefits.
    Well I propose it is just as beneficial and pleasurable for us males. We can learn to control our orgasm which again is fun for me and wife. Its healthy for prostate function. Sleep is much better and I’m just happier. It’s like I’m listening to reggae music. How can you be in a bad mood when you listen to reggae? I have never been asked about it as adult(as a youth yes – with the slip up confessions-stupid) for any priesthood advancements, callings, temple recommend interviews. If they ever do, my response will be ……I have no problems with it, none at all. That can be interpreted however they want.

  41. yeah August 17, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

    just discovered this blog! loving it! i haven’t read all the comments on this thread, so maybe someone already brought it up, but i wanted to point out what “for the strength of youth” pamphlet says about masturbation, which i think is the only place it’s spelled out:

    The Lord specifically forbids certain behaviors, including all sexual relations before marriage, petting, sex perversion (such as homosexuality, rape, and incest), masturbation, or preoccupation with sex in thought, speech, or action.

    you can read the whole “sexual purity” part of the pamphlet here:
    http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,30-1-7-5,00.html#Sexual Purity

    sounds like it means before marriage. and i’m in agreement that anything goes after marriage, as long as both people are comfortable.

  42. Strong Man August 17, 2011 at 6:23 pm #

    This has been a very informative and interesting discussion to watch. Thank you for sharing! Fascinating to see the honesty and openness here.

    Men definitely deal with these same issues–although I imagine it’s much more common and much, much more extreme of a challenge.

    Many men trying to be good and follow the official church view of anonymous above that masturbation is bad, and then they feel really guilty when they fail all the time–especially when they are told it is a “sin next to murder.”

    There is a real tension here between official church guidance and real life humanity. At the very least, we need to be honest and open, not punitive and condemning, with our young men when talking about this.

  43. anon for this one August 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    Arrgh! I usually lurk but have to post. I am a man, married 12 years, active blah blah blah. I masturbate regularly and am glad I FINALLy let go of the stupid guilt associated with it years ago. It helps me meet my wifes libido 1/2 way without feeling like I’m constantly pressuring her and I NEVER look at porn, fantasize about persons of the same sex, or anything else that green anon talked about (although maybe I should?). That kind of thinking is so crazyin my opinion, and could only be the result of Boyd Packer’s ridiculous and damaging talk about the “LIttle factory” that is scientifically laughable and has possibly done more damage to the youth in our church than anything I have ever read. “Dilutes sexual energy”…”gay tendencies TAKING OVER”?! REALLY?!! You’ve got to be a troll and I hope I’m not feeding you.

  44. Jamison February 23, 2012 at 7:35 am #

    I am looking into getting a vibrator as a gift for my wife – just for something new and different. Do you have any recommendations?

  45. handle with care March 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm #

    This issue is like a lot of the things in the church-we preach an ideal. Then I think we have to get on with living real life.

    I teach my kids that nobody’s perfect,that we are here to learn to bridle our behaviour. In order to have it take us where we want to go,and that is great sex in our committed relationships. We operate a ‘don’t ask,don’t tell’ system in our house,I don’t think my kids sex lives are any of my business unless and until they want to discuss them,although that doesn’t stop my teenage son from talking graphically about his perceptions. Then I do a’ freaked out but seriously…’ thing and we both walk away educated. He knows that what we want for him and his partner is great sex,and that great sex makes life sweeter,and we try to focus on that.

    I think that as parents you have to on guard against freaky people at church saying well meaning but mistaken things on behalf of the church,but i think that’s changing.Our kids range from 15 up to 30 so we have seen some changes in our time. It’s all to the better.

    This site is part of that process of change.Wish you’d been around thirty years ago!

  46. Katherine April 14, 2012 at 12:36 am #

    @Jamison: You will definitely make your wife very happy with this 🙂 Kudos to modern men like you! I recommend the famous “Rabbit” vibrator (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_vibrator). It is very versatile and good for clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Judging from my and some of my girlfriends’ experiences, it is one of the best vibrators out there.

    Oh and I love this blog. A platform like this is long overdue. Keep up the good work!

  47. Brother_Anon April 14, 2012 at 10:06 am #

    Sister_Anon is a big fan of the Hitachi Magic Wand.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. stressed out and sexless. (Yes, I’m pouting) « Missionary Position - July 6, 2011

    […] of dealing the the stress and trauma of leaving a painful situation)  In addition to that, I was  masturbating quite a bit too: my personal way of dealing with […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: