am I sick for fantasizing about *that*?

16 Jun

Lucy W already opened up the forum for talking about sexual fantasies.  My comment got eaten up by wordpress, and at this point, I’ll just take the opportunity to put it here, as a post.

trigger warning, this post discusses fantasies of coerced sexual encounters, and whether those are ‘normal’ fantasies.  

I have rape fantasies.  I used to berate myself *a lot* with how demented I was for fantasying about that sort of thing.  But, turns out, I’m not alone.  Not by a long shot.  Over at Psychology Today, Michael Castleman wrote specifically about rape fantasy.

A few excerpts:

“…On closer examination, such fantasies are not unusual… Fantasies allow us to “experience” the outer limits of our imaginations safely, with no risk–and for some people, that includes fantasies of coerced sex. In fantasy everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.

But rape fantasies raise thorny issues. Many women who have them can’t shake the feeling that they are abnormal or perverted…

[In several studies]… responses varied depending on the terminology used. When asked about being “overpowered by a man,” 52 percent said they’d had that fantasy, the situation most typically depicted in women’s romance fiction. But when the term was “rape,” only 32 percent said they’d had the fantasy….

What do rape fantasies mean? In my opinion, they are no different from any other fantasies. They are neither wrong nor perverted. They imply nothing about one’s mental health or real-life sexual inclinations. They just happen, to somewhere around half of women. If you have such fantasies and feel bad about them, I can’t tell you how to feel. But I can assure you that you are not alone. Rape or near-rape fantasies are surprisingly common.”

Well, there you go.  There is good evidence to suggest that I am not a freak, nothing wrong or perverted with me.

But, coming at this from an LDS frame of reference: I guess the main question a lot of members ask themselves is whether fantasizing about sexual things AT ALL is a no-no.

I’m out of my depth trying to answer that one.  Anyone have any input?

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16 Responses to “am I sick for fantasizing about *that*?”

  1. Aprillium June 16, 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    I think this is fairly normal. I think for me it’s about the fact that I’m almost always the one that makes decisions and has the final say… always in control. So to be “out of control” seems in a why a refreshing idea. Though of course in reality certainly terrifying. Some fantasies should stay just that… or at least within certain guidelines of what is acceptable as agreed by both partners before instigating.

  2. Aprillium June 16, 2011 at 10:50 pm #

    way*

  3. Eliza R June 16, 2011 at 11:03 pm #

    thank you aprillium! yes! Thank you for your comment.

  4. Moriah Jovan June 17, 2011 at 8:25 am #

    HA! Well, you already know how I feel about this one.

    Actually, it doesn’t feature in my personal…ah…alone time fantasies. I DO love reading it, though.

  5. Jenni June 24, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    When you have a partner that you love and trust, then sometimes the idea of being totally submitted to him (or controlled by him) can be a real turn on. Some couples incorporate dominance/submission into their relationships and really like it. So I dont’ think a ‘forcing’/rape type fantasy is that weird. Like, sometimes I’d just like to not have to be in charge of everything all the time, right?!

    As for having fantasies at all, and whether it’s ok for an LDS woman…um, I think the definition of a fantasy is that it just comes to you. Kinda like dreams. I would get concerned if I had a daydream (or night dream) about a particular person, a celebrity for example, and then spent hours online looking at photos of him or whatever. Or if I had a fantasy about someone I know and then started trying to cultivate an extra close relationship to him… but I think that the fantasies themselves are just the products of having a functional brain.

  6. So Very Anon June 24, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    One of my particularly taboo fantasies (as in, haven’t even told my husband) that nonetheless is a huge turn-on is one where my husband ties me up and then lets another man have sex with me while I’m immobilized and essentially helpless.

    I always thought that part of the rape fantasy thing was a product of the whole sex being forbidden thing and the forced aspect of it removing guilt. “I couldn’t stop him so I don’t have to feel guilty about it,” or whatever.

  7. Another Anon June 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

    somedays my wildest fantasy is my DH would want to have sex w me for more then physical relief once every couple of months, he has lots of colds and stuff and im starting to think he gets sick to avoid me.

  8. Celeste August 15, 2011 at 7:42 pm #

    *WAVES* Another “forced/rape” fantasy fan here. Just say’n. 🙂

  9. julesgodson March 2, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    A late comment: The stats I’ve seen are that perhaps most women have these fantasies. Maybe it’s partly dysfunctional—in a sociological way, a side effect of the Madonna/whore thing—but it’s hardly abnormal. There’s also the lovely feeling of being absolutely, irresistably desired by someone. There’s another layer: two *actual* rape victims I know entertain these fantasies as a way of working throug their feelings. It sounds counterintuitive, but I think they know their own feelings. It might be better to characterize rape fantasies as “forced pleasuring” since of course the person fantasizing enjoys the experience, and they wouldn’t enjoy actual rape. So … fantasize away, and consider sharing it, even acting it out, with a very trusted mate. It’s not weird at all, so enjoy yourself.

  10. handle with care March 3, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

    I too fantasise about rape.I think for me it’s about brooking no resistance,a fantasy of his powerful desire, and also something about trust,knowing that this rape would actually be about giving me what I really wanted.I’m not uncomfortable with this sexually,but I am as a feminist,because no means no. Oh well, it appears I’m not a feminist in bed. Maybe I don’t need to be,since my man is as much a feminist as I am…

  11. handle with care March 3, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

    Jules,nice to meet you and your work. Looking forward to exploring,so good to find some lovely erotica. Makes life sweeter,especially when you use that quote from Erica Jong. How much do I love ‘ Lady Chatterly’? An unequalled piece of tender erotica,much underestimated, grappling (ha) with the real issue of how men and women meet each other in sex. This idea was seriously central to his work and he held a reverence for sex that I’ve not found in any other erotica. Still,perhaps I just like bluestocking porn.

  12. julesgodson March 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    @handlewithcare: not so fast! I would assert you are a “feminist in bed.” Feminism is about thinking for yourself. This sort of issue came up when one woman tried to talk another out of changing her name while getting married, asserting it as a feminist position. But to me feminism is about the right to choose. If you’re choosing for yourself, you’re doing something right, and surely that includes in bed. I think it’s worthwhile to tease out why you as a woman fantasize about rape, but not to try to “become a man” to prove you’re a liberated woman. The genders don’t have to be at war. Some men fantasize about being raped, too – the thrill of lying back and taking it – and men do get raped for real, too.

    With a good partner you might act it out to mutual benefit, and what a gesture of trust. It is not to make light of rape. Then turn around and tie him up and have some fun. Don’t say please or do anything he says, short of a safe word. 😉 Trust is pretty sexy.

    I’m really glad you like the site. I’m going publish some stories soon and hope you’ll take a look. Follow the blog. I’d like to improve the quality of erotica a notch or two without getting milquetoast…. As the Jong site suggests, most of erotica is not very good. But I’m still a little clueless how to do it, a reason I’m listening here.

    BTW many publishers won’t handle so-called “dubious consent” stories, along with “fake incest” and other sticky topics. I have to admit I’m probably too queasy to actually write one, but I do present the fantasy as a healthy thing. Some things like pedophilia are out of bounds for me even if I don’t think Lolita should be censored. (I was unable to read it….)

  13. Jules Godson March 4, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    One more footnote. I’ve been reading and thinking and writing about this a lot and thought I’d share that the overwhelming majority of commentary out there says that the fantasies are normal and reasonable. There are some gender issues about power imbalance in the background, but aren’t hang-ups wonderful to milk for erotic pleasure? 😉 (I’ll resist wandering off-topic.)

    I found an article with many terrific comments from real women defining the nature of the fantasy (e.g., no one fantasizes about being raped by someone gross and—men listen up—it’s a rape fantasy not a rape wish). The only negative comments seem to come from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s one of those things that’s counterintuitive only until you stand in the shoes of the person rather than guessing how they “should” feel. One rather funny observation was that being assaulted is surely the exact opposite of any fear of rejection!

    Hope this helps. It’s a very revealing subject re sexuality, and differences between the genders (socially imposed or otherwise). (Read the comments!)
    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201001/womens-rape-fantasies-how-common-what-do-they-mean

  14. jules godson March 6, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    Lol, and my article cite goes full circle to the posting itself. I need to read less.

  15. Astonished December 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    These fantasies are common with all women, nothing to do with mormonism.

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  1. Ethical Pervert…Joy’s Thoughts… « Tantrachick's Blog - July 12, 2011

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