Your concerns: sexual fantasies

14 Jun

funny pictures - So sweet thing,

After my post asking for readers’ concerns, commenter bad thoughts posted this:

  1. Can you talk about fantasies?
  2. Like, what role fantasies do play in sexuality?
  3. What role they should/could play?
  4. What about getting really turned on by fantasies of things that you find horrible and wrong in real life?
  5. Can you get addicted to fantasies?
  6. Would that mess up your sex life real good?

The only question I’m going to answer (for the moment) is #1: Yes. We can and will talk about them. That’s what Mormon Missionary Position is all about: Talking about stuff nobody will talk about.

Please feel free to share and ask what you will anonymously. If we think you’re just being an asshat, we’ll delete you.

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19 Responses to “Your concerns: sexual fantasies”

  1. Lucinda M. June 14, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    OK, I’ll go first because I know I’m not the only one.

    Women.

    Always with a woman and never with my spouse. I don’t know if I could actually pull the trigger on it, but it sure is fun to think about it during “personal” time.

  2. Moriah Jovan June 14, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    Ohhh I love this blog.

    What about getting really turned on by fantasies of things that you find horrible and wrong in real life?

    Okay, this is a touchy thing for me because (as some may know) I write romance. What I write isn’t politically correct, but there are more politically incorrect things I’ve written, like forced seduction (or, what detractors like to call rape).

    Now, we all know rape is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Despite that, it’s a very common female fantasy (over 50%, I believe), and I don’t find fault with what people like to do in their heads.

    But there’s some feeling out there that any fiction that presents it as either a questionable thing that turns to the good or as a good thing to begin with is contributing to “rape culture.” In other words, what you do in your head is wrong.

    I question that there are some people so willing to believe others can’t separate fiction from reality. So in the spirit of this post, I think people should be given a lot more credit for being able to separate their fantasies from reality.

    In real life, I wouldn’t put up with any of the men I write. But they sure are fun on paper. And in my head.

  3. Eliza R June 14, 2011 at 1:16 pm #

    oh, I had so much to say on this and WP just ate my comment!!! Running out the door, but can’t wait to come back and see what everyone has said.

  4. anonfornow June 15, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    I figured out a couple of years ago (after half a dozen ish years of marriage) that if I gave myself some sort of scenario to keep in mind, I had a much easier time not letting my mind wander to my “to do” list or whatever else it happened upon. Studies have shown that the language part of men’s brains essentially shuts off during intercourse, but not the same for women. (The sexual response is in the more “primitive” part of men’s brains, in itself very interesting.) So I have come up with a few favorite stories to run in my brain, and it has definitely helped me learn to enjoy everything more. Now I find I don’t always have to access a fantasy, but It was definitely a tool that helped me become more engaged.

  5. Moriah Jovan June 15, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    I had a much easier time not letting my mind wander to my “to do” list or whatever else it happened upon.

    I have a bit of ADD, so I have that problem sometimes. I focus on the actual body parts rubbing together where they’re supposed to be rubbing together. Focus on the sensation itself with no other distractions.

    (It’s hard to explain. I’ve typed these sentences four times to get the right nuance and can’t seem to.)

  6. Former Dominatrix June 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    I started to explore the background behind many of my sexual fantasies in my blog, and realised through some deep insecurity it drove me to ‘act out’ in real life.. You may have recieved a trackback to one of my posts, I apologize if you thought it was spam, I merely wanted to add it as continued reading for those that are in a quandary whether to act out or not.
    And I guess, I would argue having been there done it – don’t. Your fantasies are sometimes a way of dealing with trauma – or you’d be mad in the real world.
    I’m liking your blog, It’s very insightful, thank you

  7. Lucy W June 28, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    @Former Dominatrix

    Thanks for dropping by. You did leave a pingback and I did think it was spam. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to get that back, or I would.

  8. Fanny A June 29, 2011 at 1:36 am #

    Lucinda, me too. The one time I actually had the opportunity to do it though, I chickened out. Just a fantasy for me. Maybe that’s the way it’s meant to be for me.

  9. Former Dominatrix June 30, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    LOL – do you mind if I send you another pingback? I used to get extreme fantasies which crossed boundaries of consent, morality etc. But I brought them into real life for others, and I’m amazed I found a way out. Some don’t.
    I lost my self worth with acting out, going to fetish clubs seeking the person who would ‘understand me’ and just give me that fantasy, it leads to attracting just such the villains not heroes of your life. Also – when I figure it out I’ll be adding you to my blogroll 😉

  10. Megan August 12, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

    I would really like to see a post exploring the concept of LDS women fantasizing about other women. Until recently I thought I was pretty unique in finding the female form so arousing, but comments like Lucinda and Fanny’s show me I’m not alone. Truthfully I’m married and very attracted to my husband, but if I ever fantasize about someone other than him it’s never another man. Lucinda and Fanny, you both mentioned having this attraction. Was there anything that sparked that desire for you, like seeing women in pornography or did you have some degree of a sexual encounter with another woman? I first noticed it when shopping for lingerie online.

  11. UtahMark August 12, 2011 at 4:58 pm #

    Megan, my wife enjoys fantasizing about other women, and I enjoy hearing about her fantasies. She has never had even the least degree of sexual encounter with a woman, and she’s had very little exposure to pornography. Like you, she rarely fantasizes about men. Her feeling is that she’s able to act out all her sexual desires that are directed toward men (with me), but her sexual desires toward women have no outlet other than fantasy.

  12. Megan August 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

    UtahMark, thanks for the response. That’s an interesting idea — that your wife has fantasies about other women, instead of men, since she’s able to act on her sexual desires for men with you. I hadn’t thought of that before, and it may have some merit. One issue, though, is that when I ran that by my husband, he said (and I believe him) that even though he has no outlet for being sexual with men, he has zero desire to fantasize about men or feel any degree of interest in pursuing that. I’ve often heard other male friends say similar things, although I’m speaking generally because I know some men have same-sex attraction. It just seems, anecdotally, that there are many more self-proclaimed heterosexual women that admit to, and sincerely feel, some degree of attraction to a woman’s body than there are heterosexual men who feel sexually attracted to other men’s bodies. I remember reading a NYT article a while back that said women’s sexual arousal is more fluid and less discriminating than a man’s. That seems true in my marriage. I have no desire to actually be with another woman or have a relationship with another woman, but I can definitely be aroused by the thought of another woman. My husband, however, considers it a turn-off to think of another man sexually. I wonder if there’s an inherent difference between men and women’s desire?

  13. KaralynZ August 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm #

    I don’t have any desire toward women, for what it’s worth. I have quite a few (non LDS) friends who are openly bisexual, but I’ve just never had any sexual desire for another woman. When I’m frustrated with my husband i sometimes think that it might be more convenient if I were attracted to women. I imagine some of the “HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS?” arguments we have would not happen with a woman. But I’m firm in my belief that you’re born being attracted to whatever sex you are attracted to whether it be men, women or both.

  14. UtahMark August 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

    Megan, like your husband I also have absolutely no sexual desires directed at men, and in fact the idea of doing something sexual with a man is somewhat repulsive to me. I have no idea why, but same sex fantasies do seem to be much more common among heterosexual women than they are among heterosexual men.

  15. Fanny A August 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm #

    Megan, I’ve never had a sexual experience with another woman, but find the female form incredibly beautiful and erotic. I’ve always felt that way, and I’ve always been heterosexual. I’ve had the chance to be intimate with a woman before, and in real life, was not interested.

    It’s purely in the realm of fantasy- and fantasies are just that… And I think that is perfectly okay.

  16. Moriah Jovan August 14, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

    I think it’s because we’re exposed to female sexuality constantly from the male gaze and we are conditioned to find the female body as erotic as males do. Not porn. Think makeup ad billboards, “girlie” magazines (Seventeen –> Cosmo), tween shows like Hanna Montana (Daisy Duke and Charlie’s Angels back in my day), fashion magazines (Vogue, et al). These things say, “These women are beautiful and if you want to be beautiful too, you will buy these things and do these things.” So we’re exposed to things we now say distorts our body image (they do) (especially because they’re Pshopped), but they ALSO inform what we find sexually attractive.

    But I also agree with Megan that female sexuality may simply be fluid anyway, and not at all black and white. Between the two, I don’t think it’s surprising that women are ambiguous about their attractions.

  17. David March 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    It is natural from a genetic level that heterosexual women are more attracted to women than heterosexual men are attracted to men. The sources of sexual arousal and what is attractive are very different for men and women. Men are primarily (but not exclusively, mind you) visual people, and not jus sexually. Men are spacial thinkers, using more gray matter in the brain than women. They do better at geometry and engineering than they do at linguistics and abstract concepts (the relative strengths of women due to increased white matter usage). In the male brain, the concept of what forms are attractive are very strongly cemented. Heterosexual men are nearly incapable (but not completely, mind over matter and all that) of finding anything but programmed forms (such as men) attractive or arousing. This is why sexual marketing (whether ads of a woman’s face to pornography) are oriented towards men. It is much more difficult with images to attract women in the same way. Women, without this hard-wired spatial thought process, are able from a fundamental level to find a wider range of forms attractive.

    There are behavioral aspects, as well. Women are more social. Look at the structure of reproductive practice in mammals: one man can impregnate a multitude of women. From evolutionary genetic standpoint, humans are not the only mammals that have men being solitary and competitive with each other (hence not being attracted to each other) while women come together in less-competitive manners. Polygamy works the direction it does for a reason. I’m not just talking about people, either. Mammal “harems” involve females working together to support children and “domestic” activities, while a single male is responsible for reproduction. Even from a genetic level, there is a greater ability for women to bond with other women over intimate things than men with men. Heck, women will talk about anything with each other. My wife keeps mentioning how weird it is to her (she’s slightly different than average as far as communication methods go) that all of her girlfriends will talk about any detail of their sex lives with each other. Guys don’t really do this.

    These aren’t the only factors, but it all basically comes down to it being completely natural for women to be attracted to each other on some fundamental, genetic level (even if heterosexual), but men being very different.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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