What are your concerns?

12 Jun

Now that we’ve dipped our toe in the outer darkness waters of the bloggernacle, and you know that we’re here and we talk straight, we (well, I) would like to know what concerns you have about sex, your sex life, and/or your sexuality. We can talk all day long about what we think is concerning about LDS sexuality, but unless we know what your problems are, we can’t address them.

You can post comments below anonymously (trust me, we can’t track you back) or you can email us at mormonmissionaryposition@gmail.com, then we’ll put it up for discussion. The only way we as a culture can start having a sex-positive attitude is to talk about what’s wrong and find ways to improve.

For a culture so stuck on having babies, we’re sure reluctant to talk about how to make them.

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41 Responses to “What are your concerns?”

  1. bad thoughts June 12, 2011 at 8:22 pm #

    Ooh, ooh, I SO have a question!

    Can you talk about fantasies? Like, what role fantasies do play in sexuality? What role they should/could play? What about getting really turned on by fantasies of things that you find horrible and wrong in real life? Can you get addicted to fantasies? Would that mess up your sex life real good?

    I have been dying for someone to discuss this with.

  2. Eliza R June 12, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    Lucy, you do get right to the important question, don’t you? Thank you.

  3. Zaissa June 12, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

    Fantastic idea. I second it!

  4. Zaissa June 12, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

    A very detailed birth control post might be helpful to some gals in need of better understanding. Not just the options available but specifics on how pregnancy works and how various methods prevent it. (I know of more than one pregnancy resulting from a lack of understanding about this.)

  5. Lucy W June 13, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    I think those are valid questions and that we should talk about them, yes. May we use your comment as the basis for a post and simply open the discussion?

  6. Lucy W June 13, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    🙂 You’re welcome.

  7. Lucy W June 13, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    Excellent suggestion. Thank you!

  8. bad thoughts June 13, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

    Sure! Please do.

  9. E June 14, 2011 at 9:38 am #

    How about discussing the LDS single and masturbation and whether its actually a sin or not..)

  10. Lucy W June 14, 2011 at 10:05 am #

    Thank you, E. I’ll put that on the list.

    I don’t think we’ll ever be able to come to a conclusion as to whether it’s an actual SIN or not, but something sure has gone awry with the subject and bears scrutiny.

  11. amelia June 18, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    –sexuality in pre-marriage relationships; both expressions and explorations of sexuality that are kosher and those that are not. I suppose I’m interested in some honest conversation about what the realities are for Mormon singles pre-marriage

    –sexuality for people who find themselves single again after a marriage, either due to divorce or death of a spouse, and how they navigate that.

    –what expressions of sexuality and sex acts do Mormons deem “inappropriate” even within marriage? Again, just think some honest conversation about that would be interesting.

    Just a few ideas. If others occur to me, I’ll send them off by email or something.

  12. B June 19, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    As a single woman, I find it kind of hard to wrap my head around the “no, no, no” of the pre-married life to the “yes, yes, yes” of married life. I think that would be an awkward transition, to go from nothing to everything all at once. How does one deal with that? Do men deal with this too?

  13. Lucy W June 19, 2011 at 9:28 pm #

    I don’t know how to answer your questions because I was deliberately looking for a man who had an extensive sexual history behind him (and found one). I knew I didn’t want a virgin.

    But Sunstone had an article awhile back that’s kind of melancholy-cum-heartbreaking: When Virgins Collide.

  14. Amelia June 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    I agree that this would be a fantastic topic for a post, maybe preceded or accompanied by a survey of some sort.

  15. ceridwen June 21, 2011 at 11:36 pm #

    Or how about what to do when one partner is less interested in sex than the other? How to approach your spouse to discuss wanting more frequent/better sex?

  16. nat kelly June 29, 2011 at 8:17 am #

    I’ve got one!!! Can you discuss this whole female multiple-orgasm business? 😀

  17. Fanny A June 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm #

    Nat, what are you wanting addressed? How to? Reality?

  18. nat kelly June 30, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    Fanny A. – yes. 🙂

  19. Lucy W June 30, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

    NatKelly, it takes practice. You have to know your body, know where everything is, and how to touch it just right, then teach your partner where those things are.

    I believe it was Freud who said there was no such thing as a vaginal orgasm, but I have an excellent reason not to believe that, and it wasn’t a G-spot orgasm, either.

    I only know how it works for me, which is to say, clitoral orgasm, G-spot orgasm, and vaginal orgasm. They all feel different, so the first couple of times you might not even know you’re having one, but it sure feels good. But in interest of full disclosure, my husband and I found my G-spot by accident with a funky position (which I don’t know how to describe or I would–let me see if I can find a graphic or draw it out).

  20. KaralynZ July 1, 2011 at 5:39 am #

    I guess I never thought multiple orgasms for females were a big deal – unless you’re thinking of something different than what I am. The female sexual response is such that a woman can reach orgasm quite a few times in quick succession. Compared to a male- who normally ejaculates at the same time as orgasm and thus can’t do it again until after a (long or short) recovery period. Multiple orgasms for males are also possible but it requires figuring out how to give him an orgasm without his actually ejaculating as well, and that part is tricky. The husband experimented a bit with this the first year or two we were married and managed to actually give him multiples a few times, but I think it was all by accident – we couldn’t repeat the results with any accuracy.

  21. nat kelly July 1, 2011 at 8:56 am #

    Lucy W. – What Freud actually said is that mature women should have only vaginal orgasms, and that clitoral orgasms are for women who are silly and hysterical and just need to grow up already.

    Yeah. I’m still not sure why his overwhelming misogyny hasn’t banished him from academia.

  22. Lucy W July 1, 2011 at 10:32 am #

    @nat kelly

    Thanks for the clarification. I knew there was a reason I didn’t like that guy.

  23. SingleE August 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    Okay, after re-reading this post, I have a couple of questions on different subjects. Don’t know if anyone would want to make a whole post on them or not, but:

    1)Multiple orgasms don’t work for me, at least not by my own hand/vibrator. The only time I ever remember having two that were less than 20 minutes apart was when I was watching porn. Not doing that now, so…I can have more than one, but not in quick succession, and I’m really tired and sore the next day from all that muscle squeezing. (I have fibromyalgia, so that doesn’t help.). I guess I don’t really know what to do with myself to have multiples actually *happen.* Any ideas?

    2)This might seem a little weird, or it might not: this is to those of you who’ve breast-fed. And I don’t know how to ask this without sounding…perverted. BUT…how do you breast-feed and not get aroused? It’s stimulation of the nipple. Mine are extremely EXTREMELY sensitive. I just can’t imagine breast feeding (even though its something I would want to do if I ever had children. Which is off the table now, but I”m still curious!) and being comfortable with that sensation. Thoughts?

    BTW, have I mentioned how much I LOVE this blog? My mind has been expanded sooo much here!

  24. KaralynZ August 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm #

    Well I can answer the breastfeeding one at least. I wondered about it myself but it’s not the same thing at all. The sucking that a baby does is not at all similar to the sucking that my husband ever did/does, (and I personally have always hated too much stimulation of my breasts during sex. If you know anything about the mechanics of breastfeeding, a pretty large portion of the areola and breast has to get into the mouth and then the baby’s tongue massages it in a specific way against the palate to get the milk to come out.

    Now, that having been said, some women say they do sometimes associate the feelings with feelings they get when they’re being sexually stimulated. I myself don’t find the sensation of the actual nursing to be sexual at all, but sometimes my little boy likes to gently touch my breast while he’s nursing, and that bothers me. He’s usually just tired any happy to be cuddling with mama and drinking his milk so he lovingly strokes my exposed skin, and sometimes he does it in *just* the way that my body interprets as sexual. The answer is you just ignore it. I’m an adult and sometimes my body does things I don’t have control over. It’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not the end of the world.

  25. Mouse August 4, 2011 at 9:31 am #

    Yeah, breastfeeding actually involves very little nipple stimulation. The baby has to get a whole mouthful of breast and when you are pumping or hand expressing you really are massaging nearly the whole breast. I’ve heard people say the hormone rush or let down can be pleasurable but I never experienced that. It was always more tingly/ pins and needles than anything else. There is a definite mental distinction as well, there is a baby and you are feeding it. After I figured out how to do it properly it just was another thing you do when taking care of the baby, very easy to differentiate between sexual uses.

    Now, having milk leak (or really, really squirt…) during sex is a whole different ball field… Sometimes it was funny, but sometimes it made my husband feel really uncomfortable. He definitely didn’t feel comfortable licking or sucking my nipples while there was any chance of milk being available, but some guys like it. Just licking or sucking on the nipples isn’t normally enough to make the milk come unless you are already leaking – nursing really is a very specific type of breast stimulation.

  26. YoungFox August 4, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    Mouse, after your comment I had to chime in. While my wife was nursing our most recent child, something flip inside me, and I really started liking it when she leaked during sex. This was our 5th child and I had never thought about it before or really cared about it. But during the 5th pregnancy my wife had hung out with some girlfriends and one of the girls said her husband likes it “messy”, talking about breast milk. So I guess that got me thinking about it. It did not happen all the time, but when it did, it was awesome. I know my wife was cool with it, but I do now she had some conflicting feelings as well. I will ask her to post a comment about it.

  27. VirginAskingQuestions August 4, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    I totally just had a flashback to this:

  28. SingleE August 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    Thank you guys so much for your frank answers. I simply never knew about the mechanics of brestfeeding. That puts my mind at ease.

    And OMGosh, that Friends episode was one of my favorites! “You can keep sayying that, but it won’t make it not true.” LOL LOL.

  29. VirginAskingQuestions August 9, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    Rereading this post made me think of a question. What’s the deal with breasts? Why do men like them? Does anyone ever fondle themselves? I’ve read that in romance novels, but I just don’t get it. Would it make more sense if someone else were doing the fondling? I mean… that’s got to make a huge difference, right? I just don’t really get the obsession with breasts.

  30. demon August 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    I could tell you it has to do with the child bearing and feeding of newborn children. Part of it is for that reason however in my own case it is because I just love breast they are nice and soft and fun to play with. There are a whole bunch of nerves in them and I can tell when I am doing my job right when the nipples get hard and my wife begins to play with them her own self during intercourse. But you have to be careful not to get to rough with them because they are sensitive.

  31. SingleMormonGuy August 10, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

    I’m a single Mormon guy in my mid-twenties. Long story short, as with many other men of my generation, I’ve been addicted to/looking at pornography since I was a young teen. I’m working on lessening that since it’s not something I want or feel comfortable with, but my question is about marriage.

    I’m terrified that, whether I’ve completely kicked the porn habit or not before marriage, this history will totally screw up my sex life. Will I be able to be aroused by real sex? (I think so…) Will I want my wife to look/act like a porn actress? (I’m pretty sure I won’t…) Etc.

    In short, how has (past*) pornography use affected your marriages, whether it was you or your husbands who used to look at it?

    * I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that consensual pornography use as part of a couple’s sex life is quite a different phenomenon.

    ps This blog is fantastic, thank you!

  32. Lucy W. August 10, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

    Hi SingleMormonGuy, and welcome!

    I don’t know how much you’ve wandered around the site, but the first thing I’d like to ask you to do is define “addicted to pornography.” What is “addicted” to you?

  33. SingleMormonGuy August 10, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

    I understand that different people mean very different things by that term. I’ll define it as watching and reading sexual media that I find demeaning to women (and offensive to my conscience) but which I can’t stop consuming. I would be very happy if I could just satisfy my (perfectly healthy) sexual urges via masturbation exclusively, but I feel addicted to/trapped by the pornography side of things.

    On a more objective note, I’d say I use pornography an average of about 5 times per week, for maybe half an hour to an hour each time. Not a debilitating addiction, by any means, but one that I think is harmful to me.

  34. Lucy W. August 10, 2011 at 9:51 pm #

    Not a debilitating addiction, by any means, but one that I think is harmful to me.

    Then I think that’s really what matters.

    My next question, then, is are you dating?

  35. SingleMormonGuy August 10, 2011 at 10:06 pm #

    Yes, though not at the moment (last relationship ended about two months ago when she went on a mission). I’ve had a number of significant girlfriends since my mission and I feel like the relationships have all been very positive and healthy. I’m generally very happy with my dating experiences. I’ve never told any of my girlfriends about my pornography use, though: by all external appearances, I’m an active, good (if a bit too liberal) Mormon boy–cue extra stress and guilt 🙂 It is, though, something I’m definitely planning on being up front about with anyone that I get to level of seriously contemplating marriage with; it clearly isn’t something you want to hide from your spouse.

  36. YoungFox August 11, 2011 at 2:10 am #

    SingleMormonGuy, I am not sure there are any for sure answers to your questions, but I will give you my experience. I too was “addicted”(not sure what other word to use) to pornography through my teenage years. I suppose I was able to get control of the habit, maybe a better word, before my mission. Fortunately for me, I met my future wife soon after my mission and I was married within 7 months from my mission. So I never really had the chance to start back up again like before my mission. I would have to say that if I had not met and married my wife so quickly, I would have definitely fallen back to the old ways.

    As far as my married life has gone, the affects of having been so involved with pornography have not been easy to overcome. As far as your questions about not being satisfied, that has not been a problem, I love my wife, and all I have to do is look at her to become aroused. But there have been times when I have found myself alone and the desire to look at pornography has arisen, and I would push the line by looking at erotic material. Over the 11 years of marriage, and probably 6 or 7 years into that marriage I finally told my wife about it. I feel like I have control. So hopefully that gives you an idea of what lies ahead. Obviously this was my experience and it may not be the case for you. But there is hope, and I am sure you can have a happy and healthy marriage.

  37. SingleMormonGuy August 11, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

    Thanks YoungFox, of course everyone’s mileage will vary but it’s good to hear about your experience.

  38. Chrissy August 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    I wish people would have written more here about overcoming genital shame…that’s something I struggle with a lot! I’m crazy about my husband but I can’t stand the thought of him touching or looking at my vagina. (I also can’t stand for him to see me naked, so we only do it in the dark or under a sheet). It didn’t used to matter so much because the first little while we were married I could orgasm just through sex, which was awesome (suck it Freud!) but sometime during my pregnancy my powers went away. It’s been so sad. I don’t think I ever struggled with GGS; I was well informed when I got married and aside from my feelings of humiliation surrounding myself, we have a fun and adventurous sex life. I love being with my husband and even with our two month baby we find time to be intimate almost every day, but now I’m worried I will never ever come again (with him–I can do it myself but it’s lonely!) and it’s horribly depressing. I don’t know how to get over this. I also feel awkward because my husband has been so sensitive to my issues and is so careful not to do anything that would make me uncomfortable…(and is ALWAYS reassuring me that he loves me, and that I’m very sexually appealing to him) how could I ever get to the point where I could say it’s okay to touch me there now? The idea fills me with dread but I want to try to get over this somehow. I just have NO idea how to start.

  39. Celeste August 15, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    How about a post dealing with us “Misfit Mormons” – those of us who are non-monog, kinky, queer whatever. 🙂

    Being that I fit into ALL of those categories, I’d be happy to contribute something if you all want.

  40. Eliza R. August 15, 2011 at 11:10 pm #

    Celeste~ YES. omg YES. Please feel free to come up with something on ANY (or all!) of those topics (we love having guest wives come to share tips 😉 )

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Your concerns: sexual fantasies « Missionary Position - June 14, 2011

    […] After my post asking for readers’ concerns, commenter bad thoughts posted this: […]

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