Heart Broken. And then what?

16 Apr

Have I introduced you to O. M. Grey yet? I don’t think I have! Well, here she is. Steampunk Author and Relationship Blogger both. I first found her when looking for information about alternate partnerships (ie, open marriages, polyamory and other non-monogamous varieties. More about that later.) I’ve found her to hit the nail on the head about a great many things.

Here are two articles (one published years ago, the other just the other day) about breaking up, being hurt, and then what?

An excerpt from “Overcoming Shame“:

“what I’ve been feeling for the past two months is normal and understandable. Even biological. There is no time line. There is no “just getting over it.” The loss of a love is a profoundly painful experience, especially when the loss of a close friendship is mixed in with that love.

I have had a lot of shame.

I felt ashamed that I fell in love.

I felt ashamed that I fell so deeply, so quickly.

I felt ashamed at being cast aside and pushed into dark corners.

I felt ashamed at being deleted, ignored, unseen.

I felt ashamed that the abandonments hurt so badly after such a short time.
Every little abandonment.

I felt ashamed of my pain. The intensity. The seemingly bottomless pit of it.

I felt ashamed of how long my grief lasted…is lasting.”  ~ read more.

And then, an excerpt from “When Love Becomes Toxic“:

“let’s admit that most intimate relationships don’t evolve. They end. Often bitterly. Often angrily… When that happens, if reconciliation is truly not possible, they need to let that love end and not try to force it into staying alive. Otherwise, it becomes zombified. Horrific. Toxic. Malignant. Destructive to both people and anyone else who tries to come into their lives…”

…. They love each other deeply, desperately, but they come to the very harsh realization that love isn’t enough to make a loving, romantic relationship work between them. Period. Still, they mean so much to each other that they want to find a way to remain in each other’s life. They want to continue to love each other on a different level, freeing themselves and their beloved to find a love that will work and be healthy, but remaining close as well. And that is admirable.

In this case, SPACE IS MORE THAN SAFE, it’s ESSENTIAL in order to move forward together, yet separate.” ~read more

two questions for you;

1) In your life, what has helped ease the pain of a break up and eventually move on?
(My short answer: keeping busy, as a way to distract myself.)

2) Have you been able to maintain a friendship (or reconnect after some time) with someone you once loved?
(My short answer:……..not so much.)

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4 Responses to “Heart Broken. And then what?”

  1. handle with care April 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    Yep,work’s a good answer to a broken heart. And realising that what I’ve felt mostly in these situations is wounded pride-humiliation. The fact that I’m not all that ,and that he’s just not that into me. And the fact that my judgement was proven wrong. All in all, a pretty good start to one’s emotional education.

    As for maintaining a friendship,never. Too much rejection for me to take, fragile as I am. Also, I think it makes one too encumbered to move on, and it’s generally too difficult for ensuing partners. I like clean cuts and new starts.

    That would be a lot of bad history to be dragging along into the future,where hopefully one does better. Also,I find my mistakes too embarrassing. I choose to like the future more than the past.

  2. Eliza R. April 16, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Handle with care, that was a very refreshing and honest answer. thank you.

  3. bananas April 18, 2012 at 10:10 pm #

    i tried to be friends with my big ex (there are a lot of little exes, but only one big ex for me), but it just didn’t work. and i do think the primary issue was the shame i felt, along with not being over him. i lived in fear of the day he would find another girl to date, and maybe fall in love with, and she would succeed where i had failed. talk about shame. i think it’s quite insightful for O.M. Grey to develop that aspect of the hurt of a breakup, the shame and rejection. maybe they’re the same thing. is it possible to be rejected without feeling ashamed? i haven’t managed it.

    anyway, i finally told him i didn’t want him in my life, and i think that broke my heart much more than his (and i’m ashamed of that too), but the distance and the time worked their magic and now i’m quite happy (and so is he, incidentally, or so facebook tells me). it was a really, really difficult time though.

    little exes i’ve been able to stay friends with, especially where i am the rejecting party. but not big ones. i wish it were different, but there’s just too much baggage.

  4. Jules April 19, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    If I knew the answer to #1, I wouldn’t still be hoping every text message I get is from the latest boy who broke my heart several months ago. Which adds to my shame…it’s been how many months? Get over it already…

    Friendship? Not since the time I stayed friends with someone I loved, and about a year and a half after we broke up he asked me to run an errand with him…and it ended up being to a jewelry store to pick up an engagement ring for the woman he ended up marrying. Ever since then, I’ve been a cold-turkey kinda gal.

    Thanks for sharing O.M. Grey’s writing though. I feel a little less alone…

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