Talking about a Little Pillow Talk

26 Mar

A study done not too long ago concluded that falling asleep immediately after sex, or rather one partner falling asleep immediately after sex, can serve to avoid conversation about commitment.  Apparently when a study participant reported that their partner consistently fell asleep after sex before they did, that same study participant expressed a higher desire for bonding and affection than did other participants whose partners did not consistently fall asleep first.  The conclusion reached based on this information was that falling asleep quickly after sex could indicate an unconscious desire to avoid talking about commitment, or commitment itself.

After deciding this study is not all that interesting for a variety of reasons (couldn’t it be that one partner has a more physical job and is therefore consistently more tired? or that the participants in this study tended to be 20-year-old college students? And doesn’t it seem like there would be far more important tells that your partner is avoiding commitment than how quickly s/he falls asleep after sex?), I shifted to thinking about pre- and post-coital habits.  The pillow-talk I share with MM is admittedly rather odd, as it includes such topics as the future prospects for gender equity in the Mormon church, the likelihood that a new business in our neighborhood will succeed or fail and what that has to do with the cultural attitudes of our city’s residents, and the problems of gendered toy marketing.  I could list a whole slew of reasons why these conversations, which tend towards congenial intellectual sparring, turn both of us on, but I won’t.  Because mostly I’m just interested to learn what other people’s pre- and post-coital habits are.  And I’m curious how you think these habits affect the emotional and sexual health of your relationships.

There’s no way I could have anticipated every possible pre- and post-coital activity, so I tried to make poll answers somewhat general.  The first two polls allow multiple choice, the last one does not.  Feel free to use comments to elaborate on what kinds of pre- and post-coital activities you engage in and how you think they affect your relationship.

11 Responses to “Talking about a Little Pillow Talk”

  1. KaralynZ March 27, 2012 at 10:53 am #

    I have no idea how to answer the first poll. I’m going to go with “kissing and petting” but the way it’s worded makes it sound like the sex is cooincidental? Parents here – at our house it’s “We’re alone! Do you want to have sex? Ok, let’s go.” You know, and then we get to the kissing part.

  2. Patty B. March 28, 2012 at 9:20 am #

    I’m sure the fact that i don’t have kids influenced how I wrote the options. :) the first poll does allow for choosing multiple answers so I was hoping that a combination of answers would pretty accurately cover most practices, but I should have thought about the kid thing…

    Are there other significant ways (other than having to seize the opportunity when it presents itself) that having children has affected pre- and post-coital practices? Are there things that you’ve done to compensate for how having children affects your sex life with your partner? Consider these questions directed to everyone. It’s probably worth a complete post of its own, but I’ll leave that to one of my sister wives with kids.

  3. Mouse March 29, 2012 at 7:40 am #

    Yes, in our house it just goes “Is the baby asleep? Okay, lets see how far we can get before he wakes up again…”
    Because the baby is so little and ends up in our bed at some point during the night, any time we get alone feels like a luxury. We’re snatching cuddles on the couch or sharing baths and don’t get to do a lot of cuddling or talking after sex, so any little bit we do get feels a million times more effective.

  4. Zero March 29, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    Not much talking about it going at at my house because I always know exactly when we’re going to have sex: bed time on Friday night only. We get naked after saying our prayers, then get into bed and get down to business. No talking. No kissing. No touching breasts. Nothing oral. Get ready, get on, get done, get off. Her preference, not mine.

  5. Jules Godson March 29, 2012 at 8:08 pm #

    Hmm, this is drifting quickly into the Kid Factor. Personally I thought it was easier when they were little and slept a lot more than we did. Nowadays Grownup Hours are harder to come by, and the risk of getting caught messing around in, uh, nontraditional locations is much higher. In other words, less spontaneity.

    It would be interesting to look at the reasons people don’t have sex when they DO want to. Too tired, no opportunity, not interested at the same time….. BTW many men DO have a physiological tendency to fall asleep post-coital. It’s not necessarily a rejection or avoidance, though it could be.

    @Zero: do you really want her to “lay back and take it” to be polite?

  6. KaralynZ March 29, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

    “Not interested at the same time” is our big one. I’ve gotten so used to planning ahead to schedule sex it’s harder for me to be spontaneous now.
    Part of it is because sex is not the only thing that has to wait for kid free time when you have little ones so it’s competing with other activities for limited time slots.

  7. thepillarsofherearth June 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    Our sex life is a little different. My wife is bipolar and had some physical affairs this year during her first major hypomanic episode. Since the discoveries I’ve made this year, she wants almost no sex, and loving, meaningful sex with her is all I think about. I feel as if I am trying to bond with her through sex. Sex right now is whenever the mood strikes her, and we generally only do it in bed, after we are in bed (3 kids under the age of 5-we’re Catholic). We do tend to cuddle and converse for long periods of time after that. Before that she has had severe depression problems, so a regular sex life is not something we have had, which is not a bad thing, just wish it would happen more than every couple of weeks.

  8. Andrew Wells Douglass July 4, 2012 at 6:47 am #

    I stumble over your mention of bipolarity. I’m bipolar and grew up with a bipolar mom. It can be a very rough ride for everyone. She is lucky to have your support. If she was engaged in “physical affairs” during an upcycle, that was probably full mania and not hypo; plus I would guess it’s no just neurotransmitters and she has some personal issues to work through.

    Somehow I don’t think you’re being entirely honest here: “a regular sex life is not something we have had, which is not a bad thing” At least, it seems at odds with the yearning you express elsewhere.

    One of my greatest sources of pain in a complicated life is the harm I’ve caused people around me. Finding myself with a wife and baby was what drove me to treatment after many years of going it alone and getting worse. My blog has some other details.

    My sympathy. Hang in there.

  9. thepillarsofherearth July 5, 2012 at 4:42 am #

    I definitely want more, but at this point I’m not willing to pay the cost to get it. She doesn’t want to, and I don’t want her to force herself for my sake to do it.

  10. Andrew Wells Douglass July 5, 2012 at 5:13 am #

    It’s hard to force someone to want something, and that’s a problem if you believe in mutuality in sex (a lot of men seem not to). But you can address the things that are *interfering* with the want. One bit of advice I read is to not try for sex exactly, but to focus on spending time together, perhaps talking or touching or cuddling and letting things go where they will. By indirection you may get there quicker and more naturally, and with that essential connection rather than just a concession.

    Depression really does sap libido, too, and that’s no one’s fault. So do certain meds like Prozac (which she should *not* take if bipolar).

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Role of Pillow Talk in Making Love « Women in Contemporary Relationships - June 2, 2012

    […] Talking about a Little Pillow Talk (mormonmissionaryposition.wordpress.com) 34.052234 -118.243685 Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeOne blogger likes this post. […]

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